Something Old As New (Revision 2c)

[Knot]

Hey danny_
moving rapidly in the right direction, I think.

Suggestion S1.
We'd shoot old houses
in bright winter sun,
[frosted grass crunching,
the] tips of frail branches touching
the [few] remaining panes, almost.
We never got inside,
only [spied on] dark[ened] rooms,
Our breath vanished quickly.


S2
'damp jeans' is still a problem
'Quiet road' pairing with the 'telephone
wire' is a nice touch.

S4
This might be improved by switching
the order, ending with;
you careful hands on the back door-
and your fingertips in the light.
(It also does the job of S3 - one notices the other
- but better. The flushed cheeks and short hair
have no relevance to the rest of the poem)

S6. Just a suggestion:
then climbed a sycamore
[clambered on]to the lower roof
...

S7 - still doesn't seem to add much that
isn't implicit in 'sun-warmed together'
and weakens the terrific last line of S6


Best, Knot.