radio gaga

[Knot]

Hi vagabond,
enjoyed the read.


radio gaga
Not really a fan of the title
(the song's fine) particularly
as the opening refers to television.

don´t you know
the revolution we´re talking about
has been televised.
it is not the dystopian sci-fi flics,
If 'has been' then shouldn't this be
'it was not...' ?
...

your health maintenance organization
and your insurance
think 'insurance' should precede HMO
Maybe;
while updating your insurance
informing your health... ?
about the balance of salts in your sweat
plus the traces of booze.
Maybe;
and the significance of all
those other stains ?
Either way this could be expanded on
to really explore the extent of the surveillance/
intrusion.

...


The surveillance washing machine is a nice idea,
but the title and the first stanza seem almost
antiquated.
Given the 'washing machine', if the revolution was
televised, this would suggest it was done during
commercial/advertising breaks (or with sponsorship).
For me the piece only really gets going from L7.
Did wonder if a change to the end line might help;
he knows the revolution is virtual.
Actually, on second thoughts, maybe cut S1 and S3
entirely - the intrusion offered the machine is very
effective and S3 rather dilutes it.


Best, Knot.