04-06-2018, 10:09 PM
Hey danny.
I like the idea of the scene, but it is all
a bit disjointed, confused (and the title
could be improved, even something as
simple as 'Behind the Scenes) - it would
help, I think, if you chose either the kitchen
or the cleaner as the focus. Switching
the perspective in S3 doesn't work that
well (for me).
Before the Cooks
Glistening, black algae
thrives on the floor drain
nice start
above a cavernous echo -
you don't need this, it interrupts
the flow and dilutes the 'dark gut'
image (which is good/strong)
a barred window into the dark
gut below.
A soggy french-fry hangs
limply over the edge.
Nothing wrong with the image,
but 'soggy' and 'limply' are rather
weak and, for me, it has a rather
comedic feel.
Steaming red tile stretches
how does tile steam?
under silver stoves,
sucked into dented reflections.
Their bottoms are hugged with grease:
a charred black skin on yellow cream
I can't tell if 'bottoms' refers to the 'red tiles'
or the 'silver stoves'.
through which a fat hose slides.
I don't think this should be a continuation
of the previous sentence but the start
of a new one.
Is the pun on 'fat' intended?
The nozzle drips
and burns her wrist.
Her hair stays loosely in a bun,
drops of sweat on her neck,
as she blasts it off every surface,
This reads like she's blasting the
sweat off herself.
engulfed in humidity,
watched by heavy snowfall
in the only window - white
against the predawn.
'Pre-dawn' is rather poor.
Personally, I'd be tempted
to start with this verse and make
the piece more about her.
Best, Knot.
I like the idea of the scene, but it is all
a bit disjointed, confused (and the title
could be improved, even something as
simple as 'Behind the Scenes) - it would
help, I think, if you chose either the kitchen
or the cleaner as the focus. Switching
the perspective in S3 doesn't work that
well (for me).
Before the Cooks
Glistening, black algae
thrives on the floor drain
nice start
above a cavernous echo -
you don't need this, it interrupts
the flow and dilutes the 'dark gut'
image (which is good/strong)
a barred window into the dark
gut below.
A soggy french-fry hangs
limply over the edge.
Nothing wrong with the image,
but 'soggy' and 'limply' are rather
weak and, for me, it has a rather
comedic feel.
Steaming red tile stretches
how does tile steam?
under silver stoves,
sucked into dented reflections.
Their bottoms are hugged with grease:
a charred black skin on yellow cream
I can't tell if 'bottoms' refers to the 'red tiles'
or the 'silver stoves'.
through which a fat hose slides.
I don't think this should be a continuation
of the previous sentence but the start
of a new one.
Is the pun on 'fat' intended?
The nozzle drips
and burns her wrist.
Her hair stays loosely in a bun,
drops of sweat on her neck,
as she blasts it off every surface,
This reads like she's blasting the
sweat off herself.
engulfed in humidity,
watched by heavy snowfall
in the only window - white
against the predawn.
'Pre-dawn' is rather poor.
Personally, I'd be tempted
to start with this verse and make
the piece more about her.
Best, Knot.