Something Old As New (Revision 2c)

[Knot]

Hi danny,
there are certainly some improvements in this revision,
but still a ways to go as 'still on my mind' suggests.

What does occur to me is I think you're missing out
on details that would make this more convincing.
If the couple are photography nerds, then where is
the technical detail that would convince the reader.
Similarly, if architcture students, then describing a
house simply as 'old' is rather implausible.

S3, S7, S8 - these seem to serve no positive purpose.
(try leaving them out of a revision and see what happens.
You can always reinstate them later.)

A suggestion for S2:
Finding angles from the border of trees,
kneeling, knees wet, to frame
a crooked porch, the weathered door
and the quiet road.

(Yellow grass + wet our knees...really?
How does yellow grass not equal yellow snow? )

A suggestion for S6:
then climbed a sycamore
to the lower roof
to be sun-warmed [together]
beside the chimney,
under a single telephone wire
that hasn't carried a voice in years.

Best, Knot.