Something Old As New (Revision 2c)

[Knot]

Hi danny.


We'd shoot old houses
Much stronger opening.
Could you switch 'old' for
'abandoned' (or something
more evocative)
It's just you have two 'olds'
in two lines - and a third in S4.
in bright winter sun,
tips of frail branches almost
touching the remaining panes.
maybe reorder
tips of frail branches touching
the remaining panes, almost ?

Glistening yellow grass crunched.
We found angles from the border of trees,
kneeled and wet our jeans,
The double meaning here is unfortunate.
Perhaps move the 'yellow grass' line here?
framed the crooked porch,
weathered door and quiet road.

Your careful hands touched the old door.
'careful' isn't that interesting. And you're
repeating 'door'.
I focused there, rotating the lens:
Where...precisely.
chipping white paint
and your fingertips in the light.

We never got inside,
only looked through
into dark rooms,
Our breath vanished quickly.

then climbed a sycamore to the lower roof
to be sun-warmed by the chimney
under a single telephone wire
that hasn't carried a voice in years.
This is such a strong line, it makes
the final two verses seem very weak
(and comparatively dull)


Best, Knot.