First Edit: No Such Things as Happy Endings

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
the revision's a bit hit an miss to me, I'm afraid,
the tone seems rather uneven (and I'm still
not sure about the title).

No Such Things as Happy Endings

I didn't know at the time,
but I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye.
Your cheek reeking
It probably should be 'reeked',
but 'cheek reeked' is not good.
of poisonous medicine,
head bald.
I think you could cut 'head bald'
and not lose anything.
I thought it was going
to be just another sleepless night
reading year old health magazines
in the hospital dayroom,
maybe switch the last two lines
(to go from' night' to 'dayroom' more swiftly)
I do like a sleepless night in the dayroom.
I thought I'd drink another cup
of cafeteria coffee
and comment to the cashier about the weather.
too much alliteration
I was wrong.
How were you wrong?
And if you didn't do what you thought
you were going to do, what did you do?

When I slept the next morning, I dreamed
do you need 'When I slept the next morning'?
of my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. Beside her
Probably 'next to my' to avoid the repetion of 'her'
was the grandfather I never met.
He smiled like a priest,
(Maybe, 'Smiling like...reciting... ?)
recited an unfamiliar prayer.
When he asked for my hand, I refused,
the ambiguity of 'asked for my hand'
is, I think, problematic.
not out of fear, but because
I knew what he stole from you.
Could you rephrase as;
I wouldn't take his hand
because I know what he stole
from you ?


Hope there's something of use.

Best, Knot.