03-30-2018, 10:18 PM
Hi danny
Something Old As New
In bright winter sun we
would shoot old houses,
tips of frail branches almost
touching the window glass.
It is not the most interesting of starting lines.
Could you rework it so that the piece begins;
We would shoot old houses... ?
If window then no glass, if glass then no window.
Yellow, frozen grass
crunched under our feet.
Our cold fingers
found the buttons of our cameras.
I don't think you need this verse at all.
S3 is pretty clear as to the photography element.
We found angles from the border of trees,
kneeled and wet our knees,
framed the crooked porch,
weathered door and quiet street.
Three /i:/s (trees/knees/street) is a bit much.
Perhaps switch 'knees' for whatever the fabric
of the clothes you're wearing is?
Cheeks flush, short hair curled
around your ears.
Again, not really needed.
Our breath vanished quickly.
Nice line, perhaps end the next stanza with it?
We never got inside,
only looked through
into dark rooms,
then took a sycamore to the roof
to be sun-warmed by the chimney
under a single phone wire
that hasn't carried a voice in years.
You both climbed a tree?
This could be a little clearer, I think.
(Probably should be 'telephone', it would
flow better.)
But if it was speaking now,
it would talk of pleasant company
and our careful steps,
and our whispering,
and our sitting hunched together
as I took your hands,
cupped them in mine,
and gently blew inside.
I think you need to tighten the last two verses,
and in particular the last line, which is rather weak
(though works well in terms of sentiment).
S5 in the original looks promising,
though I think you'd need to add some technical
photographic detail (rather than 'magnifying') to
really make it work.
I don't think the title works well;
can't see how, based on what's written,
it would (also) apply to the couple's relationship.
Best, Knot.
Something Old As New
In bright winter sun we
would shoot old houses,
tips of frail branches almost
touching the window glass.
It is not the most interesting of starting lines.
Could you rework it so that the piece begins;
We would shoot old houses... ?
If window then no glass, if glass then no window.
Yellow, frozen grass
crunched under our feet.
Our cold fingers
found the buttons of our cameras.
I don't think you need this verse at all.
S3 is pretty clear as to the photography element.
We found angles from the border of trees,
kneeled and wet our knees,
framed the crooked porch,
weathered door and quiet street.
Three /i:/s (trees/knees/street) is a bit much.
Perhaps switch 'knees' for whatever the fabric
of the clothes you're wearing is?
Cheeks flush, short hair curled
around your ears.
Again, not really needed.
Our breath vanished quickly.
Nice line, perhaps end the next stanza with it?
We never got inside,
only looked through
into dark rooms,
then took a sycamore to the roof
to be sun-warmed by the chimney
under a single phone wire
that hasn't carried a voice in years.
You both climbed a tree?
This could be a little clearer, I think.
(Probably should be 'telephone', it would
flow better.)
But if it was speaking now,
it would talk of pleasant company
and our careful steps,
and our whispering,
and our sitting hunched together
as I took your hands,
cupped them in mine,
and gently blew inside.
I think you need to tighten the last two verses,
and in particular the last line, which is rather weak
(though works well in terms of sentiment).
S5 in the original looks promising,
though I think you'd need to add some technical
photographic detail (rather than 'magnifying') to
really make it work.
I don't think the title works well;
can't see how, based on what's written,
it would (also) apply to the couple's relationship.
Best, Knot.