I was supposed to write...

[kaos]

1. I was supposed to write.
   
2. But now that I’ve started I don’t know what I wanted to talk about.
   
3. They tell me to tell what I know, to show what I had already talked about before, watching these italics...
   
4. But that is a spout which is totally spent out.  First example of line capitalization not required by grammar (see below)
   
5. I see that a rhyme has spouted, unintentionally,  "that" seems to break up the flow, here and elsewhere (see below)
   
6. Interrupting my sullen angry glory,
   
7. I had been forewarned, but still ignored, nice ambivalence here - does "ignored" link to "had been" or "I (was)?"
   
8. And for that and much more, I am truly sorry.  too many commas in the sentence ending here... sorry for rhyme?
   
9. In my sight there are a few bottles,
   
10. Empty yet cynical, just as I wish to be.There hollow derision has been swallowed, was "there" meant to be "their," referring to that they who set the task?
    
11. Every path they could lead me down, has been followed.  comma here seems either unnecessary or confusing
    
12. Some clothes remain, and a couple plastic packets of food,
    
13. And other such necessary human requirements, all of which are crude,
    
14. Rude and maybe even a bit too lewd,
    
15. Is this context enough to justify my mood?  rap-like end-rhymes preceding are effective in setting mood and pace
    
16. Maybe it is the lack in which what I possess is magnified,
    
17. But then the mystery is far too easy,
    
18. The answer both cheesy and sleazy,
    
19. Yet at least the passion is certified.
    
20. Your body, your form, your mind,
    
21. I try to ape them, the best I can, "ape" is archaic giveaway:  the viewpoint character is more literate than he lets on
    
22. I even go so far as to push my chest together, but then I laugh at the image I must make,
    
23. This ironic humour is too much for me to take.
    
24. I have been expressing before I had anything much too showcase,
    
25. And now, finally, that an identity has started to surface,I realize that it was the lack where I excelled,
    
26. But now it’s too late to break once again and re-meld.
    
27. Or so I feel, as before you I kneel,  line seems a little clumsy for its importance - "they" have become "you"
    
28. And you whisper all the wisdom I could ever need,
    
29. But your eyes are far too distracting, and I find myself still lacking,
    
30. In fulfilling your infernal greed.
    
31. When they drag me down to that heaven,This is one defect I will debate aloud,
    
32. And if God is busy, and the angels ignore me,I’ll begin to shout.
    
33. The truth which wisps away from my grasp, "wisps" is a good image, but incongruous as a verb
    
34. The more I rush behind,And now I’m stuck in a loop, unfold which I cannot, inversion here to force rhyme
    
35. Call your Alexander, this is surely a Gordion knot.
    
36. I even find myself agreeing with Narcissus these days,
    
37. Maybe no one else gazed at him as lovingly as his own image, lonely Narcissus - good observation
    
38. As I desperately rack my own brains full of rage,
    
39. Trying to fill the gaps, both within me and on the page.
    
40. Narcotics could help, they seem to be linked,
    
41. Both through the layout of language and in terms of effect,
    
42. I fall in love with other and hate myself more and more,
    
43. But even this sensation I must perfect. inversion for rhyme again
    
44. For what I am but the lack of you? Should this be, "For what am I but lack of you?"
    
45. As someday I see a flower and forget everything, A good thought here
    
46. That I had once called my own,
    
47. I lay there in the grass and begin to caress,
    
48. To all others, I am simply forlorn.
    
49. And now, I forgot myself again.
    
50. In the memory of what I imagine is you. unfortunate sentence break - should this have connected with previous line?
    
51. And even if the rendition is corrupted beyond belief,
    
52. To me at least, it seems true.
    
53. I am nothing and still everything.
    
54. My rhyme is stolen and so is my tongue, this and next 3 lines could sing
    
55. When they discover my crime I shall be hung, better word for "discover" to keep the meter going - "suss out," though archaic?
    
56. But maybe, hopefully, my song shall still be sung.  "shall" is archaic here - "will" is fine
    
57. Until then I have nought to do,
    
58. But reach for the final climax alone,
    
59. My hands tremble as they mirror your grace,
    
60. In the deepest recess of my head lie the contours of your face.
    
61. Spent, gratified, my expression is complete.
    
62. For tonight my life is surfeit.
    
63. But when morn comes, and dries my cum,  nice reveal that it wasn't just the reader's dirty mind in the last several lines
    
64. And regret and disgust replace love and lust,
    
65. I will forget the sacred knowledge I was to entrust,
    
66. My tool, both of ink and blood will surely rust,
    
67. As everything filled with entropy must,
    
68. Will I still want to imagine the lines of your bust?
    
69. While my earthly and egoistic remains crumble into dust…
    
70. The truth is incomplete without the lie.  a profound statement
    
71. I know, for they showed it to me so.
    
72. Expecting that this one half would surely represent the whole,
    
73. ‘There was no way this well thought plan could have gone down the hole!’
    
74. I wandered as any other wonderer would have,
    
75. But here the universe played one of her famous tricks,
    
76. And deprived me of your loving licks,
    
77. Kept me desolate and desperate, dancing with the roaches and the ticks, love these two lines
    
78. While she laughed till she was blue, mirthful and mercilessly,
    
79. As I cried with emotion, waiting for an angel to bless me.
    
80. The angel never came, but I surely do.
    
81. And sleep now beckons me, with her death like charm.
    
82. I, who has submitted already, offer no struggle,
    
83. For sleep is just another temptress, of whom I have known the best, how could she bring me any more harm? This last line could be the seed of another poem
    

Thanks for posting, the effort that went into this work, and the opportunity to critique.

First off, a purely local preference:  most here do not capitalize beginning of line unless called for by grammar (i.e. previous line ended with a period).  I see nothing wrong with the older tradition, but many here consider it archaic or distracting.  You might try seeing what your poem looks like with only required capitalization.

In general, and in intensive critique, there's a bit too much "that" and "the," an excess of words that is suitably percussive but doesn't flow freely (as I read it, anyway).  While this matches the theme of beating (off), the rhythm could be more compelling if it were more consistent - contractions (e.g. isn't, weren't) can help as well as just a general pruning and simplification.

I probably have not reached the inner meaning or intent, but encourage you to work it down to a poem that's a bit more lyric, shorter, and flows more easily for the reader.

Hi, and thanks for taking the effort to critique and allow me to edit properly, cause i was stuck. I read your points and they all made sense especially the bit about using too much 'that' and 'the', and your response made me realize that ironic parts would shine better if i could make the poem as a whole more compatible for reading. I shall be working and will put down the edit soon, thanks again for your response and i hoped you liked what i had written!