03-27-2018, 02:31 AM
Hey, I didn't mind the punctuation, but the concise structure seems to suffer from lines that are too direct & uneventful
(perhaps too much description for me that isn't going anywhere)
cus' now it's just concise and boring
make sure you pose the question "so what" after each stanza, or each line
(perhaps too much description for me that isn't going anywhere)
cus' now it's just concise and boring
make sure you pose the question "so what" after each stanza, or each line
(03-27-2018, 01:28 AM)danny_ Wrote: Just another from 2003 for the sake of sharing. Comments, critique, whatever you like. Thanks for reading :]
Fearful Wading
My bare legs
walk shin-deep
in murky water
okay okay, you set the stage
but...
The bottom feels this is boring
soft and rippled;
I crush a desert re-word this, but it's good
But now it's just more description, who cares, really?
No menace came
but I had a fear
of oil-black scales,
So, you kinda killed the suspense intentionally here, dunno why
& yet again, "so what"?
a vision of
a weightless sliver, I like this
eyes that sought my heels pretty interesting, but this is just more of the same stuff we already got earlier
Dare I intrude,
his waters disturb
between the bulkheads?
This is nice, I don't mind this reflection (:
From a dark hole
I prayed not
to awaken him.
Boring, It would have been more interesting if you DID decide to awaken the little shit.
We've kinda just been indulging into fearful thoughts,
but yet again - SO WHAT?
assholery not intended .