03-23-2018, 02:09 AM
Hi Hershey,
like the setup and you've some good lines,
but for me it is lacking in focus (for instance,
it is not until S4 that 'she' is revealed), and
I think you could do with a better title.
The sounds of footsteps echo in the night
You've got 'echo', so you don't really need 'sounds'
Night doesn't tell me where this is, and 'marble
floor' isn't enough by itself.
Clanking faster and faster against the marble floor
A heart beat thumps out of control
I wonder if you might echo 'faster and faster' with
A heart beating, beating out of control ?
Eyes scanning for an open door
A shivered cold breath mixes in the air around it
If 'shivered', then 'cold' is not needed, nor, I suspect, is 'it'.
Unseen through the musky blackness of the night
A breeze enters through the holes in the wall
I think this line should follow on from 'shivered cold'
laying goosebumps on all in its sight
"come out come out where ever you are"
I'd strongly suggest starting with this line/stanza.
It has the greatest immediacy.
A voice so stern and steal shouts
but you could really improve on the description
of the voice.
A dark shadow looms over the room
All shadows are dark, are the not?
Blocking the only way out
And how does a shadow 'block'
She plays through her head what she can do
'head' here rather interferes with your rhyme scheme.
Of the two choices that lay ahead
She can cower in fear as her end draws near
Just waiting for herself to be dead
or maybe, just maybe, if she can push through this
She just might come out on top
If she trys hard enough she can get out okay
Just as long as she never stops
The only problem is facing this fear
Tho its the only solution with hope
But yet its so hard to take that first step
Down such a slippery slop
These three verses rather undercut the tension you're
trying to build. I'd suggest deleting them.
Thunder claps in the sky above
pulling her from her thoughts
Bringing her back to reality as lightning hits a tree
causing her eyes to see dots
How can she see outside?
(I assumed the 'marble floor was inside)
The light conceals the dark around it
nice line
Directing shadows across the room
That once perfect hiding spot now plain as day
as the shadows dance in the gloom
too many 'shadows'
Heat spreads as fast as fire
Making the heart beat faster still
Sweat beads drip off two faces
As one darts for the kill
It's a bit of a repeat of S1
A weapon of glass found on the floor
Shown by the light of the fire
And a victim with no chance of survival
Slashed as if nothing but a tire
A pool of blood drips to the floor
(a 'pool' can't drip)
The body falls in a crumble
And the killer watches with crusted dark eyes
Not a sound, not a word, not a mumble
I think that perhaps you could combine these
two verses. It needs to be shorter, punchier
to reflect the action.
A weapon of glass, on the floor
fire lit, grabbed in a rush
a victim slashing, blood
drips,body falls, before the killer's
dark eyes
She didn't pick this path it was picked for her
It was a choice she had rather not made
But if not for that fire raging on behind her
Maybe her life would not have been saved
Ok, if the fire is such a big deal, you need to
have established it earlier on. At this stage
it is just a rabbit out of a hat.
Best, Knot.
like the setup and you've some good lines,
but for me it is lacking in focus (for instance,
it is not until S4 that 'she' is revealed), and
I think you could do with a better title.
The sounds of footsteps echo in the night
You've got 'echo', so you don't really need 'sounds'
Night doesn't tell me where this is, and 'marble
floor' isn't enough by itself.
Clanking faster and faster against the marble floor
A heart beat thumps out of control
I wonder if you might echo 'faster and faster' with
A heart beating, beating out of control ?
Eyes scanning for an open door
A shivered cold breath mixes in the air around it
If 'shivered', then 'cold' is not needed, nor, I suspect, is 'it'.
Unseen through the musky blackness of the night
A breeze enters through the holes in the wall
I think this line should follow on from 'shivered cold'
laying goosebumps on all in its sight
"come out come out where ever you are"
I'd strongly suggest starting with this line/stanza.
It has the greatest immediacy.
A voice so stern and steal shouts
but you could really improve on the description
of the voice.
A dark shadow looms over the room
All shadows are dark, are the not?
Blocking the only way out
And how does a shadow 'block'
She plays through her head what she can do
'head' here rather interferes with your rhyme scheme.
Of the two choices that lay ahead
She can cower in fear as her end draws near
Just waiting for herself to be dead
or maybe, just maybe, if she can push through this
She just might come out on top
If she trys hard enough she can get out okay
Just as long as she never stops
The only problem is facing this fear
Tho its the only solution with hope
But yet its so hard to take that first step
Down such a slippery slop
These three verses rather undercut the tension you're
trying to build. I'd suggest deleting them.
Thunder claps in the sky above
pulling her from her thoughts
Bringing her back to reality as lightning hits a tree
causing her eyes to see dots
How can she see outside?
(I assumed the 'marble floor was inside)
The light conceals the dark around it
nice line
Directing shadows across the room
That once perfect hiding spot now plain as day
as the shadows dance in the gloom
too many 'shadows'
Heat spreads as fast as fire
Making the heart beat faster still
Sweat beads drip off two faces
As one darts for the kill
It's a bit of a repeat of S1
A weapon of glass found on the floor
Shown by the light of the fire
And a victim with no chance of survival
Slashed as if nothing but a tire
A pool of blood drips to the floor
(a 'pool' can't drip)
The body falls in a crumble
And the killer watches with crusted dark eyes
Not a sound, not a word, not a mumble
I think that perhaps you could combine these
two verses. It needs to be shorter, punchier
to reflect the action.
A weapon of glass, on the floor
fire lit, grabbed in a rush
a victim slashing, blood
drips,body falls, before the killer's
dark eyes
She didn't pick this path it was picked for her
It was a choice she had rather not made
But if not for that fire raging on behind her
Maybe her life would not have been saved
Ok, if the fire is such a big deal, you need to
have established it earlier on. At this stage
it is just a rabbit out of a hat.
Best, Knot.