03-22-2018, 10:44 PM
No Such Things as Happy Endings
Broken eyes finally fixed, (Maybe change this to "my broken eyes were finally fixed"? You use the term "I" through out your whole poem yet omit this point of view here.)
I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye last night.
Your cheek reeked of poisonous medicine,
head bald-
you used to tell me how dad first noticed (- is this sentence one with the line below it? I feel like having a pause then "you because of your curly hair" dosnt quite fit. maybe add the word you in the above line.)
you because of your curly hair.
When I slept the next morning, the hidden sun (-same here this line pauses in an odd place. when you move to the next line its hard to connect the sentences.)
became my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. The hazy sky
the grandfather I never knew, distant
like what he stole from you. (-paint me a picture. Im confused as to what he stole from you. care to
elaborate? )
Broken eyes finally fixed, (Maybe change this to "my broken eyes were finally fixed"? You use the term "I" through out your whole poem yet omit this point of view here.)
I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye last night.
Your cheek reeked of poisonous medicine,
head bald-
you used to tell me how dad first noticed (- is this sentence one with the line below it? I feel like having a pause then "you because of your curly hair" dosnt quite fit. maybe add the word you in the above line.)
you because of your curly hair.
When I slept the next morning, the hidden sun (-same here this line pauses in an odd place. when you move to the next line its hard to connect the sentences.)
became my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. The hazy sky
the grandfather I never knew, distant
like what he stole from you. (-paint me a picture. Im confused as to what he stole from you. care to
elaborate? )