03-22-2018, 05:02 PM
Hey Richard
I can't add much to what others (including you) have said. I think the broken eyes line doesn't need to be here. Also dad first noticed you isn't a good fit, it's just not a dad to daughter reaction that one day he notices curly hair that others haven't. Something of dad often ruffling her curly hair maybe...there's lots of options. If I'm honest, I must say I don't really understand the second stanza, for me it seems detached from the strong emotion of the first stanza.
I can't add much to what others (including you) have said. I think the broken eyes line doesn't need to be here. Also dad first noticed you isn't a good fit, it's just not a dad to daughter reaction that one day he notices curly hair that others haven't. Something of dad often ruffling her curly hair maybe...there's lots of options. If I'm honest, I must say I don't really understand the second stanza, for me it seems detached from the strong emotion of the first stanza.