03-22-2018, 01:18 PM
I have old skins
given to me
that matter now.
I both like and dislike this opening. My preference would be cuts then one line : Old skins given to me...matter now.
(the statement of having the skins is redundant once it is known they are given to you)
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then;
this one is from a gentler soul,
running buddy Kev, prince,
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
I like to this point, but am a bit thrown by the next 2 lines. I would cut them, then examine to see if the remaining can run in a better order.
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
The big C hit him from behind,
we all of us fell with him,
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on;
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
I would cut "expand" you have said the sentiment with "surge" and the extra word detracts from its power.
II.
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
"designed" feels out of place. Hard to put finger on best way forward; but just cutting the word adding and rambling to the line then ending next line at end of sentence might work.
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
third last and second last lines hold a little too much grandeur for me
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
I would cut "the" from above
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
As this has continued (from last comment) it seems to have wandered from the old skins theme, and with that I find my interest and reader investment has also strayed.
mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
The last 2 stanza I feel need more.
There's good stuff here, though I'm sure there is improvement to be had
given to me
that matter now.
I both like and dislike this opening. My preference would be cuts then one line : Old skins given to me...matter now.
(the statement of having the skins is redundant once it is known they are given to you)
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then;
this one is from a gentler soul,
running buddy Kev, prince,
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
I like to this point, but am a bit thrown by the next 2 lines. I would cut them, then examine to see if the remaining can run in a better order.
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
The big C hit him from behind,
we all of us fell with him,
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on;
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
I would cut "expand" you have said the sentiment with "surge" and the extra word detracts from its power.
II.
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
"designed" feels out of place. Hard to put finger on best way forward; but just cutting the word adding and rambling to the line then ending next line at end of sentence might work.
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
third last and second last lines hold a little too much grandeur for me
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
I would cut "the" from above
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
As this has continued (from last comment) it seems to have wandered from the old skins theme, and with that I find my interest and reader investment has also strayed.
mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
The last 2 stanza I feel need more.
There's good stuff here, though I'm sure there is improvement to be had