03-20-2018, 12:58 AM
Hi TF,
enjoyed the read.
It's a bland looking place on the outskirts of town,
'bland' in the opening line is not much of an invitation
to keep reading.
the sign is missing letters and the building's run down.
Sitting at the corner of an old gravel road,
maybe something a little punchier that 'sitting'?
(squatting, for instance)
a rugged, not too friendly looking distant abode.
'distant' - in what sense?
Built back in the 60s on a small, muddy tract,
half the deadbolts don't work and the front window's cracked.
(you could probably lose 'and')
It's a glorified shack, only seventeen rooms,
'shack' rather messes with your rhyme scheme.
And its thick with the grey fog of cigarette fumes.
this doesn't make much sense to me I'm afraid,
and read like it's just here for the rhyme.
But far from abandoned, there are plenty of guests,
they drive in from the north and fly out from the west.
From the old to the young, to the meek and the great,
they all find their place on this darkened estate.
It's played host to rock stars, to artists and writers,
corrupt politicians and heavyweight fighters.
They travel for miles to this little piece of hell,
the rusty old spot called the Sampson motel.
these two verses are essentially saying the same thing
and I'd suggest deleting one
'darkened estate' is a really good phrase.
In the small cluttered office just beyond the wood door,
you'll find the manager Wayne, he lost an eye in the war.
maybe 'who lost' for 'he lost'?
He's a bit rough and tumble and he's got skin cold as ice,
'cold as ice' trips the cliché meter - and you repeat 'ice' two
lines further on.
but if you show him respect you might get a good price.
The ice machine's broken and the power cord's frayed,
Is it the machine's power cord?
so little of elegance or fancy displayed.
Was there ever? You've already described it as a 'gloried shack'
The plumbing is awful and the wall paint is peeling,
and most of the souls that you'll find here are reeling.
this line is quite a let down, too obviously here just
for the rhyme.
Ok. You've more than established that it is a low-class joint
and it's all beginning to feel repetitive. The narrative really
needs to be going somewhere different from where it
started, and I don't think that it does.
'Motel' in the title sets up certain expectations (I was
expecting a murder ballad or some cause célèbre)
and yet nothing actually happens.
If your focus is just going to be on the building/place,
then I think your descriptions have to be much more
vivid and ideosyncratic to keep the reader engaged.
Still, you've left this reader wanting more, which
(I'd suggest) was a good thing.
Best, Knot.
enjoyed the read.
It's a bland looking place on the outskirts of town,
'bland' in the opening line is not much of an invitation
to keep reading.
the sign is missing letters and the building's run down.
Sitting at the corner of an old gravel road,
maybe something a little punchier that 'sitting'?
(squatting, for instance)
a rugged, not too friendly looking distant abode.
'distant' - in what sense?
Built back in the 60s on a small, muddy tract,
half the deadbolts don't work and the front window's cracked.
(you could probably lose 'and')
It's a glorified shack, only seventeen rooms,
'shack' rather messes with your rhyme scheme.
And its thick with the grey fog of cigarette fumes.
this doesn't make much sense to me I'm afraid,
and read like it's just here for the rhyme.
But far from abandoned, there are plenty of guests,
they drive in from the north and fly out from the west.
From the old to the young, to the meek and the great,
they all find their place on this darkened estate.
It's played host to rock stars, to artists and writers,
corrupt politicians and heavyweight fighters.
They travel for miles to this little piece of hell,
the rusty old spot called the Sampson motel.
these two verses are essentially saying the same thing
and I'd suggest deleting one
'darkened estate' is a really good phrase.
In the small cluttered office just beyond the wood door,
you'll find the manager Wayne, he lost an eye in the war.
maybe 'who lost' for 'he lost'?
He's a bit rough and tumble and he's got skin cold as ice,
'cold as ice' trips the cliché meter - and you repeat 'ice' two
lines further on.
but if you show him respect you might get a good price.
The ice machine's broken and the power cord's frayed,
Is it the machine's power cord?
so little of elegance or fancy displayed.
Was there ever? You've already described it as a 'gloried shack'
The plumbing is awful and the wall paint is peeling,
and most of the souls that you'll find here are reeling.
this line is quite a let down, too obviously here just
for the rhyme.
Ok. You've more than established that it is a low-class joint
and it's all beginning to feel repetitive. The narrative really
needs to be going somewhere different from where it
started, and I don't think that it does.
'Motel' in the title sets up certain expectations (I was
expecting a murder ballad or some cause célèbre)
and yet nothing actually happens.
If your focus is just going to be on the building/place,
then I think your descriptions have to be much more
vivid and ideosyncratic to keep the reader engaged.
Still, you've left this reader wanting more, which
(I'd suggest) was a good thing.
Best, Knot.