03-19-2018, 11:05 PM
Hi Lorvick,
When we're new to poems as you say you are, it's quite common to use a lot of abstract concepts that aren't accessible to the senses
notions of our origin, sentiment of isolation, deliberation of eternity, influence of despair, soul, memory's collection, etc). The problem with this amount of abstraction is that it has a sense of being deep but it's actually inaccessible to the reader.
Usually, it's better to fix the poem in a concrete moment from the observation of the poem can be anchored. Think of Wordsworth for instance, "I wandered lonely as a cloud" Just adding the image gives a sense of the loneliness the poet is trying to convey. That's the power of concrete imagery. Lonely is abstract but the cloud anchors the image. You talk about isolation, the weight of time, memory, etc. These are broad areas people wrestle with--ground them with a consistent use of imagery and you'll be taking this poem closer to what you need it to be.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
When we're new to poems as you say you are, it's quite common to use a lot of abstract concepts that aren't accessible to the senses
notions of our origin, sentiment of isolation, deliberation of eternity, influence of despair, soul, memory's collection, etc). The problem with this amount of abstraction is that it has a sense of being deep but it's actually inaccessible to the reader. Usually, it's better to fix the poem in a concrete moment from the observation of the poem can be anchored. Think of Wordsworth for instance, "I wandered lonely as a cloud" Just adding the image gives a sense of the loneliness the poet is trying to convey. That's the power of concrete imagery. Lonely is abstract but the cloud anchors the image. You talk about isolation, the weight of time, memory, etc. These are broad areas people wrestle with--ground them with a consistent use of imagery and you'll be taking this poem closer to what you need it to be.
Just some thoughts.
Best,
Todd
(03-08-2018, 12:19 PM)Lorvick Wrote:I'm new to creating poems, this is actually my first! I need to practice quite a bit. I just revised the poem based upon critiques.
sifting through the notions of our origin
burdened with the sentiment of isolation
diligent deliberation of eternity
under the influence of despair
one may presume the soul to be
of memory's collection,
aimlessly adrift;
through perpetual
darkness
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson