03-19-2018, 09:51 AM
Hey,
I like the idea of this; however you do seem to have several contradictions, a bit of repetitiveness and some rhymes that feel forced. Having said that, do please realise that I am in no way an authority on poetry and all that follows is just my gut reaction to the piece
It's a bland looking place on the outskirts of town, I feel here that the second couplet should be the opening. I think it is a better feeling of introduction.
the sign is missing letters and the building's run down. Sitting at the corner of an old gravel road,
Sitting at the corner of an old gravel road, a rugged, not too friendly looking distant abode
a rugged, not too friendly looking distant abode. It's a bland looking place on the outskirts of town,
the sign is missing letters and the building's run down.
Built back in the 60s on a small, muddy tract, Regardless of line sequence. I'm unsure if not friendly looking, or if it is looking distant (I would just cut the
half the deadbolts don't work and the front window's cracked. word distant because as the story of this progresses the place can't remain distant so easiest thing to lose the
It's a glorified shack, only seventeen rooms, the confusion)
And its thick with the grey fog of cigarette fumes. Built back in the 60s on a small, muddy tract,
half the deadbolts don't work and the front window's cracked
But far from abandoned, there are plenty of guests, It's a glorified shack, only seventeen rooms,
they drive in from the north and fly out from the west. And its thick with the grey fog of cigarette fumes.
From the old to the young, to the meek and the great, Here: it can't be on a small muddy tract as you already told me it's on a gravel road. (okay over the years the
they all find their place on this darkened estate. tract could have had gravel laid...but why distract the reader, and as it seems its on a tract so that it can rhyme
with cracked I would just drop the couplet. I do like that you have rooms and fumes'
It's played host to rock stars, to artists and writers, I think the next stanza is weak. By all means let us know this run down place is busy; but put your think-cap on
corrupt politicians and heavyweight fighters. and I'm sure you'll find better. Also it defies logic that this rat-hole hotel/motel should be so busy...one reason
They travel for miles to this little piece of hell, it might be is if it were the Bates Motel as filmed by Hitchcock. (I see no reason not to rewrite on that theme.)
the rusty old spot called the Sampson motel.
In the small cluttered office just beyond the wood door, next stanza--it's played====Sampson Motel, I like.
you'll find the manager Wayne, he lost an eye in the war. But following that door & war. Then ice and price seem rushed
He's a bit rough and tumble and he's got skin cold as ice, As does the next stanza
but if you show him respect you might get a good price.
The ice machine's broken and the power cord's frayed,
so little of elegance or fancy displayed.
The plumbing is awful and the wall paint is peeling,
and most of the souls that you'll find here are reeling.
Housekeeping doesn't do much, there's only one maid. the maid could have a uniform collar and/or cuffs frayed which I think use an "attention" word more
She smokes a cigar and wears her hair up in braids. than where you have used it.
She won't leave you a mint or turn down the sheet,
But if you mistreat her, you're out on the street.
It's the #1 choice if you don't want to be found,
as long as you don't mind the trash on the ground.
Folks aren't too friendly here so if you come stay Finishing up there is what seems to me more rushed and forced lines, so my overall advice would be rework and
Mind your own business and go about your own way. edit. I really do think you have something here; but my limited experience tells me this has been written then
tweaked and you are sitting back reluctant to rip into the piece and reorganise it in order to find what it really has
Guests come and they go almost quick as flash, to offer. So don't hold back twenty, thirty or even fifty rewrites isn't unusual for a poem. Go for it and I think you
And you can be certain they always pay cash. might find a gem.
In darkness they'll be, transfixed by the spell
of the rusty old spot called the Sampson motel.
I like the idea of this; however you do seem to have several contradictions, a bit of repetitiveness and some rhymes that feel forced. Having said that, do please realise that I am in no way an authority on poetry and all that follows is just my gut reaction to the piece
It's a bland looking place on the outskirts of town, I feel here that the second couplet should be the opening. I think it is a better feeling of introduction.
the sign is missing letters and the building's run down. Sitting at the corner of an old gravel road,
Sitting at the corner of an old gravel road, a rugged, not too friendly looking distant abode
a rugged, not too friendly looking distant abode. It's a bland looking place on the outskirts of town,
the sign is missing letters and the building's run down.
Built back in the 60s on a small, muddy tract, Regardless of line sequence. I'm unsure if not friendly looking, or if it is looking distant (I would just cut the
half the deadbolts don't work and the front window's cracked. word distant because as the story of this progresses the place can't remain distant so easiest thing to lose the
It's a glorified shack, only seventeen rooms, the confusion)
And its thick with the grey fog of cigarette fumes. Built back in the 60s on a small, muddy tract,
half the deadbolts don't work and the front window's cracked
But far from abandoned, there are plenty of guests, It's a glorified shack, only seventeen rooms,
they drive in from the north and fly out from the west. And its thick with the grey fog of cigarette fumes.
From the old to the young, to the meek and the great, Here: it can't be on a small muddy tract as you already told me it's on a gravel road. (okay over the years the
they all find their place on this darkened estate. tract could have had gravel laid...but why distract the reader, and as it seems its on a tract so that it can rhyme
with cracked I would just drop the couplet. I do like that you have rooms and fumes'
It's played host to rock stars, to artists and writers, I think the next stanza is weak. By all means let us know this run down place is busy; but put your think-cap on
corrupt politicians and heavyweight fighters. and I'm sure you'll find better. Also it defies logic that this rat-hole hotel/motel should be so busy...one reason
They travel for miles to this little piece of hell, it might be is if it were the Bates Motel as filmed by Hitchcock. (I see no reason not to rewrite on that theme.)
the rusty old spot called the Sampson motel.
In the small cluttered office just beyond the wood door, next stanza--it's played====Sampson Motel, I like.
you'll find the manager Wayne, he lost an eye in the war. But following that door & war. Then ice and price seem rushed
He's a bit rough and tumble and he's got skin cold as ice, As does the next stanza
but if you show him respect you might get a good price.
The ice machine's broken and the power cord's frayed,
so little of elegance or fancy displayed.
The plumbing is awful and the wall paint is peeling,
and most of the souls that you'll find here are reeling.
Housekeeping doesn't do much, there's only one maid. the maid could have a uniform collar and/or cuffs frayed which I think use an "attention" word more
She smokes a cigar and wears her hair up in braids. than where you have used it.
She won't leave you a mint or turn down the sheet,
But if you mistreat her, you're out on the street.
It's the #1 choice if you don't want to be found,
as long as you don't mind the trash on the ground.
Folks aren't too friendly here so if you come stay Finishing up there is what seems to me more rushed and forced lines, so my overall advice would be rework and
Mind your own business and go about your own way. edit. I really do think you have something here; but my limited experience tells me this has been written then
tweaked and you are sitting back reluctant to rip into the piece and reorganise it in order to find what it really has
Guests come and they go almost quick as flash, to offer. So don't hold back twenty, thirty or even fifty rewrites isn't unusual for a poem. Go for it and I think you
And you can be certain they always pay cash. might find a gem.
In darkness they'll be, transfixed by the spell
of the rusty old spot called the Sampson motel.