03-14-2018, 02:38 AM
Hi Johnny,
I think this is a little unfocused,
and the erratic line lengths become
something of a distraction,
but the central conceit is sound
and the title is terrific.
Done a bit of cutting and pasting
to give you an idea of what I mean.
Supaglypta
Leak in the kitchen, just noticed it,
the pitter patter of wet feet on the counter, keeps me awake,
has the cat mesmerised.
Soothing,
This seems a bit muddled
('just noticed'/'keeps me awake'/'soothing'?),
and 'pitter patter' is very clunky.
Maybe try something like:
Just noticed the leak in the kitchen,
the cat's mesmerised, sooth[ed]
by the [...]
[but it will] keep me awake.
but for the fear of the stained
Supaglypta pealing, falling like dead leaves
'like dead leaves'? - surely more like (silver)
birch bark peeling? (Check spelling)
and leaving another mess.
Not what you wanted, I know
not some idyllic existence,
no veg patch and no ivy creeping
through the windows.
Instead, broken milk bottles
and cardboard boxes grow
like weeds in the garden
and a leak in the kitchen,
I’m not even sure where it’s coming from.
Said it yourself,
“the house is crumbling around us,
but, we took it because it was cheap,”
not for the architectural integrity
of a load baring wall or brass door-hinges,
period finishes make a home.
is something missing from the last line?
Best, Knot.
I think this is a little unfocused,
and the erratic line lengths become
something of a distraction,
but the central conceit is sound
and the title is terrific.
Done a bit of cutting and pasting
to give you an idea of what I mean.
Supaglypta
Leak in the kitchen, just noticed it,
the pitter patter of wet feet on the counter, keeps me awake,
has the cat mesmerised.
Soothing,
This seems a bit muddled
('just noticed'/'keeps me awake'/'soothing'?),
and 'pitter patter' is very clunky.
Maybe try something like:
Just noticed the leak in the kitchen,
the cat's mesmerised, sooth[ed]
by the [...]
[but it will] keep me awake.
but for the fear of the stained
Supaglypta pealing, falling like dead leaves
'like dead leaves'? - surely more like (silver)
birch bark peeling? (Check spelling)
and leaving another mess.
Not what you wanted, I know
not some idyllic existence,
no veg patch and no ivy creeping
through the windows.
Instead, broken milk bottles
and cardboard boxes grow
like weeds in the garden
and a leak in the kitchen,
I’m not even sure where it’s coming from.
Said it yourself,
“the house is crumbling around us,
but, we took it because it was cheap,”
not for the architectural integrity
of a load baring wall or brass door-hinges,
period finishes make a home.
is something missing from the last line?
Best, Knot.