03-13-2018, 10:01 AM
brief notes (hopefully will get into this later, but right now well-cooked oats buzz me):
decrease capitalized words -- it's an archaism-like that doesn't fit the free verse. the only ones i think should be left are God's Kingdom and Spirit (but, for Spirit, not The, since even the good book doesn't capitalize that).
the dedication should be in prose. i read it as part of the poem, which considering the subject matter is justified. you could also do what a lot of stylists do, and make it briefer, then slot it right beneath the title, so as to give the Bible verse some room.
and speaking of the Bible verse: it feels a little cheap. i would have chosen St. Paul's words on the arms of good Christians, but that would be too obvious. so something else, perhaps, something that's directly tied to the evangelical spirit (fishers of men?) or commemorative wistfulness (firmament of saints) of the piece (but, again, not too directly connected).
decrease capitalized words -- it's an archaism-like that doesn't fit the free verse. the only ones i think should be left are God's Kingdom and Spirit (but, for Spirit, not The, since even the good book doesn't capitalize that).
the dedication should be in prose. i read it as part of the poem, which considering the subject matter is justified. you could also do what a lot of stylists do, and make it briefer, then slot it right beneath the title, so as to give the Bible verse some room.
and speaking of the Bible verse: it feels a little cheap. i would have chosen St. Paul's words on the arms of good Christians, but that would be too obvious. so something else, perhaps, something that's directly tied to the evangelical spirit (fishers of men?) or commemorative wistfulness (firmament of saints) of the piece (but, again, not too directly connected).