03-12-2018, 02:06 AM
Hi nibbed,
I think duke has it when he said 'sincere',
and because of that, an interesting read.
For me it loses its way around S7-9, or
rather it loses the 'I' who begins the piece.
I've done a bit of 'cut n pasting' to show
where/how I think you might tighten it.
Miss Propagandist
great title.
I was in charge of morale,
perfect in tone,
following on from the title.
the one to make the bright posters
for every entry wall.
[and something else?
also, what's an 'entry wall'?]
The challenge wasn't in sketching
women suited to battle,
comfitted in shiny [breast] plates
[n]or the crested bucklers they held,
it wasn't the difficulty of hands
grasping powerful swords,
[the] expressions of bravery
determination on the faces
(these two lines seem a little flat,
lacking detail)
[that] I knew to be worn troops
led by lost or spineless men.
hearts burdened [and something else?]
those images, a cinch.
('cinch' seems almost flippant)
(Why doesn't this start with 'but'?)
It was the marriage
of my own hand and heart I sought,
asking The Spirit, longing
('longing through'?)
through worn erasers and coloured pens
These placards were to be viewed
by the multitudes as balms of valor,
(is 'balm' right? - 'balms of valor' seems an odd phrase)
spirit of fortitude, a resolve
for those falling to the irony of doves
and the filthiness of ivory.
Sisters and comrades graced
in moments of confidence
to carry on through wars of death
created by an evil that seeks only our destruction.
[not really convinced you need these two stanzas -
for instance 'the placards...valor' could be viewed
as simply rephrasing the opening stanza.
Also the I at the beginning of the piece has,
it seems to me, all but disappeared.]
Propagandists are Borne everyday
(think you've the wrong 'borne' here)
there's no stopping us, really,
poets and artists will forever proclaim
their membership in God's Kingdom:
the Everlasting Kingdom
a Kingdom that offers free Sword
buckler, armor, to all who ask.
Most importantly, Eternal Life
to whosover.
[Not convinced by the last six lines,
again, where is 'I'?]
Perhaps one day, unknown to you,
your own expression will be captured,
drawn by a sister you never met
pushing others along, through such a
'pushing others along' is a bit weak
(in comparison to the rest of the verse)
Raging Battle, as this.
Maybe rework as:
Perhaps one day you will be captured,
[you likeness] drawn by a sister you never met
pushing others along, through
such a Raging Battle, as this.
To me there seems to be a switch from 'Propagandist'
as champion to the more conventional 'propagating'
meaning, and I'm not sure it is successful.
I wanted to know more about the person who begins
the piece.
Best, Knot.
I think duke has it when he said 'sincere',
and because of that, an interesting read.
For me it loses its way around S7-9, or
rather it loses the 'I' who begins the piece.
I've done a bit of 'cut n pasting' to show
where/how I think you might tighten it.
Miss Propagandist
great title.
I was in charge of morale,
perfect in tone,
following on from the title.
the one to make the bright posters
for every entry wall.
[and something else?
also, what's an 'entry wall'?]
The challenge wasn't in sketching
women suited to battle,
comfitted in shiny [breast] plates
[n]or the crested bucklers they held,
it wasn't the difficulty of hands
grasping powerful swords,
[the] expressions of bravery
determination on the faces
(these two lines seem a little flat,
lacking detail)
[that] I knew to be worn troops
led by lost or spineless men.
hearts burdened [and something else?]
those images, a cinch.
('cinch' seems almost flippant)
(Why doesn't this start with 'but'?)
It was the marriage
of my own hand and heart I sought,
asking The Spirit, longing
('longing through'?)
through worn erasers and coloured pens
These placards were to be viewed
by the multitudes as balms of valor,
(is 'balm' right? - 'balms of valor' seems an odd phrase)
spirit of fortitude, a resolve
for those falling to the irony of doves
and the filthiness of ivory.
Sisters and comrades graced
in moments of confidence
to carry on through wars of death
created by an evil that seeks only our destruction.
[not really convinced you need these two stanzas -
for instance 'the placards...valor' could be viewed
as simply rephrasing the opening stanza.
Also the I at the beginning of the piece has,
it seems to me, all but disappeared.]
Propagandists are Borne everyday
(think you've the wrong 'borne' here)
there's no stopping us, really,
poets and artists will forever proclaim
their membership in God's Kingdom:
the Everlasting Kingdom
a Kingdom that offers free Sword
buckler, armor, to all who ask.
Most importantly, Eternal Life
to whosover.
[Not convinced by the last six lines,
again, where is 'I'?]
Perhaps one day, unknown to you,
your own expression will be captured,
drawn by a sister you never met
pushing others along, through such a
'pushing others along' is a bit weak
(in comparison to the rest of the verse)
Raging Battle, as this.
Maybe rework as:
Perhaps one day you will be captured,
[you likeness] drawn by a sister you never met
pushing others along, through
such a Raging Battle, as this.
To me there seems to be a switch from 'Propagandist'
as champion to the more conventional 'propagating'
meaning, and I'm not sure it is successful.
I wanted to know more about the person who begins
the piece.
Best, Knot.