03-11-2018, 05:49 AM
Hey,
Few thoughts below for you
Johnny
No Such Things as Happy Endings
Broken eyes finally fixed,
I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye last night.
Your cheek reeked of poisonous medicine,
head bald-
you used to tell me how dad first noticed
you because of your curly hair.
Given that the eyes have been fixed, I don’t feel the broken of L1 is necessary. I don’t feel that actually adds anything in L2, would I greeted death work? I think the idea of L5 needs to be greatly expanded upon for it to not feel like you’re changing tangents at this point. For me because of this line the rest of the stanza feels out of context.
When I slept the next morning, the hidden sun
became my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. The hazy sky
the grandfather I never knew, distant
like what he stole from you
For me, this stanza doesn’t work as well as the first and feels like a distinct in itself. I would suggest trying to develop S1 really focusing in on the idea of the kiss and the greeting of death
Few thoughts below for you
Johnny
No Such Things as Happy Endings
Broken eyes finally fixed,
I was actually greeting death
when I kissed you goodbye last night.
Your cheek reeked of poisonous medicine,
head bald-
you used to tell me how dad first noticed
you because of your curly hair.
Given that the eyes have been fixed, I don’t feel the broken of L1 is necessary. I don’t feel that actually adds anything in L2, would I greeted death work? I think the idea of L5 needs to be greatly expanded upon for it to not feel like you’re changing tangents at this point. For me because of this line the rest of the stanza feels out of context.
When I slept the next morning, the hidden sun
became my grandmother, drinking her third beer
from a porcelain mug. The hazy sky
the grandfather I never knew, distant
like what he stole from you
For me, this stanza doesn’t work as well as the first and feels like a distinct in itself. I would suggest trying to develop S1 really focusing in on the idea of the kiss and the greeting of death