03-10-2018, 02:45 AM
Hi Lorvick,
I like how this poem starts out, with repeating of d- words in the 3rd and fourth line. However, this premise of cleverness and mockery is lost as the poem continues to be serious - for that, with "heavy" sounding words, you need some really profound and extremely original revelation to carry it through (the only good example that comes to mind, as far as free form poetry is concerned, is Rilke's Duino Elegies) - and that is hard to do in a short poem - you need to elaborate on your reasoning to allow the reader to follow you. Otherwise you need something to lift the mood - such as, say - an image of the narrator contemplating this in the loo.
What I feel goes most strongly against this poem is the lack of images anchoring it, you know, somewhere. There's just some words that lays out a few seconds of thought process - profound, but not going anywhere. There needs to be something happening - a sequence of events, imageries - anything, really - to "show" what the poem says.
Also, if you revise your poem, the usual practice is to keep all versions so that readers can point you back if they think one of the previous versions (in part or full) was better: see this thread on how to hide previous versions in your post: Formatting code for hiding original
I like how this poem starts out, with repeating of d- words in the 3rd and fourth line. However, this premise of cleverness and mockery is lost as the poem continues to be serious - for that, with "heavy" sounding words, you need some really profound and extremely original revelation to carry it through (the only good example that comes to mind, as far as free form poetry is concerned, is Rilke's Duino Elegies) - and that is hard to do in a short poem - you need to elaborate on your reasoning to allow the reader to follow you. Otherwise you need something to lift the mood - such as, say - an image of the narrator contemplating this in the loo.
What I feel goes most strongly against this poem is the lack of images anchoring it, you know, somewhere. There's just some words that lays out a few seconds of thought process - profound, but not going anywhere. There needs to be something happening - a sequence of events, imageries - anything, really - to "show" what the poem says.
Also, if you revise your poem, the usual practice is to keep all versions so that readers can point you back if they think one of the previous versions (in part or full) was better: see this thread on how to hide previous versions in your post: Formatting code for hiding original
(03-08-2018, 12:19 PM)Lorvick Wrote:I'm new to creating poems, this is actually my first! I need to practice quite a bit. I just revised the poem based upon critiques.
sifting through the notions of our origin
burdened with the sentiment of isolation
diligent deliberation of eternity
under the influence of despair
one may presume the soul to be
of memory's collection,
aimlessly adrift;
through perpetual
darkness