03-09-2018, 03:02 AM
Hi tectak,
trampled all over your meter, but you probably expected that.
Bit of an alliteration overload in places, but enjoyable.
Curl up with me and be the wind, scurrying through fallen fronds.
We’ll lift the lifeless, browned and broken, tear the heather’s leggy limbs,
screech the news of spring’s late coming, hail out loud to moss and mire.
does wind 'screech'? and if so why then 'hail out loud'?
Hunched and pinched with grim, thin lips, the staggered searchers
we once knew, stumble above this hacked-out haven ,
maybe 'our' for 'this'? (Then a modifier for 'shelter' - 'safe'?)
our shelter from sly dry-born snow. Who can call out?
dry-born? Second 'call'
Who make a movement? How long will they prod for phantoms,
makes? Don't the 'probe' rather than 'prod'?
whilst we dream in frozen sleep? We shall not wake, we are not sleeping,
'sleep' and 'sleeping' ?
we who are lost on this bleak scar. Our destination, bare forgotten,
'bare' as in 'very, lazy'?
numbed from thoughts when toes lost touch; becomes now clear
'our hands' for 'toes' ? ('toes lost touch' seems a bit twee
)
'now clear', an inversion? You? Really?
as ice-moon circles…purples, shades of blue and green.
Further, now, than we can call to, colours fill the warming sky.
'call' again
I cannot hear the breath I captured, held it trapped lest we should die.
'die' is a bit disappointing, no subtlety here. Maybe cut 'lest we should die'?
Hold on, hold tight… I see the light…surely we shall soon be free.
Sleep now, lie still, wait patiently.
'patiently' feels like it has too many syllables, given the surrounding words.
Curl up, curl up, curl up
with
me.
I think Richard's idea of ending on 'sky' makes sense
and perhaps a three line format might also work.
I cannot hear the breath I captured, held it trapped lest we should die.
Hold on, hold tight… surely we shall soon be free....I see the light…
Sleep now, lie still, wait patiently.
Curl up, curl up, curl up
with
me.
Curl up with me and be the wind, We’ll lift the lifeless,
browned and broken, tear the heather’s leggy limbs, screech the news
of spring’s late coming, hail out loud to moss and mire.
Hunched and pinched with grim, thin lips, the staggered searchers
we once knew, stumble above this hacked-out haven ,
our shelter from sly dry-born snow. Who can call out?
Who make a movement? How long will they prod for phantoms,
whilst we dream in frozen sleep? We shall not wake, we are not sleeping,
we who are lost on this bleak scar. Our destination, bare forgotten,
numbed from thoughts when toes lost touch; becomes now clear
as ice-moon circles…purples, shades of blue and green.
Further, now, than we can call to, colours fill the warming sky.
Best, Knot.
trampled all over your meter, but you probably expected that.
Bit of an alliteration overload in places, but enjoyable.
Curl up with me and be the wind, scurrying through fallen fronds.
We’ll lift the lifeless, browned and broken, tear the heather’s leggy limbs,
screech the news of spring’s late coming, hail out loud to moss and mire.
does wind 'screech'? and if so why then 'hail out loud'?
Hunched and pinched with grim, thin lips, the staggered searchers
we once knew, stumble above this hacked-out haven ,
maybe 'our' for 'this'? (Then a modifier for 'shelter' - 'safe'?)
our shelter from sly dry-born snow. Who can call out?
dry-born? Second 'call'
Who make a movement? How long will they prod for phantoms,
makes? Don't the 'probe' rather than 'prod'?
whilst we dream in frozen sleep? We shall not wake, we are not sleeping,
'sleep' and 'sleeping' ?
we who are lost on this bleak scar. Our destination, bare forgotten,
'bare' as in 'very, lazy'?
numbed from thoughts when toes lost touch; becomes now clear
'our hands' for 'toes' ? ('toes lost touch' seems a bit twee
) 'now clear', an inversion? You? Really?
as ice-moon circles…purples, shades of blue and green.
Further, now, than we can call to, colours fill the warming sky.
'call' again
I cannot hear the breath I captured, held it trapped lest we should die.
'die' is a bit disappointing, no subtlety here. Maybe cut 'lest we should die'?
Hold on, hold tight… I see the light…surely we shall soon be free.
Sleep now, lie still, wait patiently.
'patiently' feels like it has too many syllables, given the surrounding words.
Curl up, curl up, curl up
with
me.
I think Richard's idea of ending on 'sky' makes sense
and perhaps a three line format might also work.
I cannot hear the breath I captured, held it trapped lest we should die.
Hold on, hold tight… surely we shall soon be free....I see the light…
Sleep now, lie still, wait patiently.
Curl up, curl up, curl up
with
me.
Curl up with me and be the wind, We’ll lift the lifeless,
browned and broken, tear the heather’s leggy limbs, screech the news
of spring’s late coming, hail out loud to moss and mire.
Hunched and pinched with grim, thin lips, the staggered searchers
we once knew, stumble above this hacked-out haven ,
our shelter from sly dry-born snow. Who can call out?
Who make a movement? How long will they prod for phantoms,
whilst we dream in frozen sleep? We shall not wake, we are not sleeping,
we who are lost on this bleak scar. Our destination, bare forgotten,
numbed from thoughts when toes lost touch; becomes now clear
as ice-moon circles…purples, shades of blue and green.
Further, now, than we can call to, colours fill the warming sky.
Best, Knot.