03-08-2018, 06:24 PM
All in all, I like this work, I’ve left a few thoughts below for you
Regards
Johnny
I have old skins
given to me
that matter now.
I like this image, but I don’t think the short lines work in relation to the longer lines utilised throughout the rest of the piece.
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then; I think we’re missing a conjunctive here
this one is from a gentler soul,
running buddy Kev, prince,
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
The big C hit him from behind,
we all of us fell with him,
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
I like the speed of this, it has a great beat to it, I think I’d like to hear this read aloud by yourself. In terms of content I think the frequency of details provided to the reader and the way in which they are delivered, works well to create an image of the N.’s friend in his prime. Which really helps when you move on to the next stanza
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on; not sure expand is needed
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
On first read, I wasn’t sure that this stanza worked in correlation with the one that comes before, but actually on re-reading and then sitting down to critique, I find that the jarring way in which this stanza sits against the previous one really works tonally.
II.
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
While I think it is intentional on your part some of the punctuation and the way in which it has been utilised has the effect of throwing me out of the image.
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
Mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
Whereas I don’t think the image of skins works in the way it has been utilised at the beginning of the piece, I think the way in which it has been utilised here really works. Perhaps there is a way to re-position the first example of it in the main body of Part 1
Regards
Johnny
I have old skins
given to me
that matter now.
I like this image, but I don’t think the short lines work in relation to the longer lines utilised throughout the rest of the piece.
I.
A black, 50’s leather jacket
teen hoods wore back then; I think we’re missing a conjunctive here
this one is from a gentler soul,
running buddy Kev, prince,
gladiator, leader of our
endless war protests.
His grin, mock-trick eyes,
party-time hail-fellow-well-met
exhortations to go full-blast,
in all-night carouses,
prep for the barricades
the following cloudy day.
Fatally handsome, but shy
in the corners of his shine.
The big C hit him from behind,
we all of us fell with him,
he couldn’t get up along with us,
this time.
I like the speed of this, it has a great beat to it, I think I’d like to hear this read aloud by yourself. In terms of content I think the frequency of details provided to the reader and the way in which they are delivered, works well to create an image of the N.’s friend in his prime. Which really helps when you move on to the next stanza
I feel honor, grace,
and memories that surge,
expand, when I put his jacket on; not sure expand is needed
the only protest left is shouting,
in his voice, against absence.
On first read, I wasn’t sure that this stanza worked in correlation with the one that comes before, but actually on re-reading and then sitting down to critique, I find that the jarring way in which this stanza sits against the previous one really works tonally.
II.
A Scotch plaid winter wool shirt,
designed for woods-work
and rambling; my father wore it
for both. He, a business man,
loved our land, gardens,
fields and meadows like a proprietor
of the untold riches,relief and solitude
they possessed, and shared with him.
While I think it is intentional on your part some of the punctuation and the way in which it has been utilised has the effect of throwing me out of the image.
Pre-dawn Februaries he donned it
to plow both driveways,
loving the storms of powder
he volumed up around him.
As dawn broke, He’d walk
the maple sugar lines,
then check the collecting tub
in the shed he’d built himself,
next to the barn brother Don and I
built along with him.
Mom waited for him
with over-easy eggs,
loving conversation,
and, yah, sometimes
slight differences.
I have
new skins
I give
proper
wear to
now.
Whereas I don’t think the image of skins works in the way it has been utilised at the beginning of the piece, I think the way in which it has been utilised here really works. Perhaps there is a way to re-position the first example of it in the main body of Part 1