Second Edit: Why I Don't Sleep Naked Anymore

[tectak]

Hi richard, some good advice on this already so i am picking gratuitously. There are some idiosyncrasies which I see but don't want to over egg. In text is probably best. Here goes.


First Edit:

Why I Don't Sleep Naked Anymore

There are still moments when snow melts,...moments? A moment is short, very short..."moments" are only  longer by sum of pluralities, and generally infer different event "instances" . You only talk about one poignancy (and if that ain't a word it should be), namely that of an emotive recall. It well may have happened more than once but THIS is the NOW. The build up to the "dark like the nightdress" takes time....not a series of moments...so...

"There are still times when snow melts,
weakening ice cracks silently, and the sky 
turns dark as (note...not like) the nightdress you used to wear. " 

 Now, that's the end of this metaphor otherwise you are in danger of directly associating the nightdress, hips, drooped, soft etc with a dark sky. Surely not? You are only making a colour comparison...any extension within this  extended sentence structure, becomes difficult to imagine. 

If you really want to extend the imagery you must change the structure. So....

"...and the sky
hangs dark, like the nightdress you wore;
slung from the peaks of your hips,
drooped at the front. ( could be more sensual...needs belly somewhere. Coming up.).
The folds felt soft against my belly. (Not stomach. Stomach is a pouch-like incredibly unsexy INTERNAL organ   
 
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.

Your snoring used to keep me warm,....how so? unless it was so incredibly decibelous ( and if that ain't a word, I'm not surprised) that vibrational friction made you hair get warm I just don't see this. If you are making a subtle physiological point...ie..just-knowing-you-were-there-kept-me-warm sort of thing.....it is too subtle for me. Now, if you had said "Your snoring made me FEEL warm..." then OK.
but now winter nights creep in,
even reaching under my blankets. "even " as well as what else? don't think you need "even". Try:  

 " Your snoring  once made me feel warm
but now the winter nights crawl in;
dead fingers underneath my blankets."

Your poem...plenty of options. As always, it's the thought that counts...not the bloody rewrite.


So this is just another ending for us.....I instinctively do not like this line. The use of So...this.. just and for...screams to me "find a better way of saying what you mean to say". You can do it.
We're sick from words like “forever,”....what word is like forever? Sorry, but you asked for that. Brilliant building but could do with Planning Permission.
this page not our first deathbed. ...this page IS not....or this page will not be....and it should be last, surely? Oh well....

Best I can do. Very worthwhile.
Well done, 
 tectak


Original:
Why I Don't Sleep Naked Anymore

Winter night sneaks through window and door,
even reaching under my blankets.
Your snoring used to keep me warm,
but now you sleep alone like a prisoner,
the key lost long ago along with the jailer.

There are still moments when snow melts,
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.

So this is just another ending for us.
We're sick from words like “forever,”
this page not our first deathbed.