03-04-2018, 04:40 AM
Hi ritwik,
some wonderful imagery and more than a few very good lines.
Needs tightening and to flow better, I think. Too many too
short sentences.
Baghdad (prose poem)
When I had a golden quill I had no words to give,
(either finish the thought - give to who... - or cut 'to give')
so I pawned it away at a shop on Mutanabbi street.
(you don't need 'away')
The bearded man handed me a bronze token bearing a caged silverbill, plate of dates in front.
(I think this is in the wrong order:
From behind a plate of dates the bearded man handed me a bronze token
bearing a caged silverbill)
The money was obedient.
(love this line, but I can't decide if it needs to be elaborated upon, or not)
In the evening
(for me, this doesn't make much sense after 'when' L1)
I and my beloved watched the beheading of a boy thief. A hawker sold pinwheels in the crowd.
(it's a great image, but it goes nowhere)
When
(back to 'when' again, ok)
my garden had no fruits I gave it water. Like a demon, it left me dry.
(perhaps it should be 'but like a demon'?)
The river dragged the days downstream.
(good line)
Tigris, crude mother, your blessings upon the world.
This doesn't really work after 'the river dragged', but might make for a good opening line.
Every day we moved, a city tottering on the camel's back. To the southeast lay Ctesiphon,
('day' so close to 'days' feels too much like repetition, any reason why you couldn't substitute 'time'? - tottering,
sonically, is a bit ugly)
empty. To the north, Samarra, empty again.
Can't see why the sentences are so short. Why not;
To the southeast lay Ctesiphon, empty, abandoned Samarra to the north ?
As we had herded our sheep the mountains herded us
Great line.
- good flock, bad flock, wolf bait.
terrible line. Sorry, but it really is. Cut it, bury it.
Here lie the bricks of the House of Wisdom. Here the bricks of the Golden Gate.
(I think this list needs to be longer before you get to 'regret' - though I'd suggest cutting
it and 'caution' 'au revoir', they interrupt the flow to what is a really nice end line.
Here lies regret. Caution. Au revoir.
The next time we will build a house without history.
good end line.
I don't think the prose 'format' helps this piece,
that said, enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.
some wonderful imagery and more than a few very good lines.
Needs tightening and to flow better, I think. Too many too
short sentences.
Baghdad (prose poem)
When I had a golden quill I had no words to give,
(either finish the thought - give to who... - or cut 'to give')
so I pawned it away at a shop on Mutanabbi street.
(you don't need 'away')
The bearded man handed me a bronze token bearing a caged silverbill, plate of dates in front.
(I think this is in the wrong order:
From behind a plate of dates the bearded man handed me a bronze token
bearing a caged silverbill)
The money was obedient.
(love this line, but I can't decide if it needs to be elaborated upon, or not)
In the evening
(for me, this doesn't make much sense after 'when' L1)
I and my beloved watched the beheading of a boy thief. A hawker sold pinwheels in the crowd.
(it's a great image, but it goes nowhere)
When
(back to 'when' again, ok)
my garden had no fruits I gave it water. Like a demon, it left me dry.
(perhaps it should be 'but like a demon'?)
The river dragged the days downstream.
(good line)
Tigris, crude mother, your blessings upon the world.
This doesn't really work after 'the river dragged', but might make for a good opening line.
Every day we moved, a city tottering on the camel's back. To the southeast lay Ctesiphon,
('day' so close to 'days' feels too much like repetition, any reason why you couldn't substitute 'time'? - tottering,
sonically, is a bit ugly)
empty. To the north, Samarra, empty again.
Can't see why the sentences are so short. Why not;
To the southeast lay Ctesiphon, empty, abandoned Samarra to the north ?
As we had herded our sheep the mountains herded us
Great line.
- good flock, bad flock, wolf bait.
terrible line. Sorry, but it really is. Cut it, bury it.
Here lie the bricks of the House of Wisdom. Here the bricks of the Golden Gate.
(I think this list needs to be longer before you get to 'regret' - though I'd suggest cutting
it and 'caution' 'au revoir', they interrupt the flow to what is a really nice end line.
Here lies regret. Caution. Au revoir.
The next time we will build a house without history.
good end line.
I don't think the prose 'format' helps this piece,
that said, enjoyed the read.
Best, Knot.