03-04-2018, 02:16 AM
Hi Johnny,
much to like, but I found the repetitions of certain phrases
and of 'your' (particularly S2) and 'you' (S4) got in the way,
as did the passive voice.
May just be me, but the phrase 'in thumbed pages' didn't
roll easily off the tongue (in well-thumbed... was slightly
better). Overall, it wasn't quite as 'musical' as I was expecting
from the title.
Some cut and paste thoughts.
Oratorio
(Not sure this is doing enough)
I find you In thumbed pages -
penned by [stiff-collared candlelit] men,
their names unpronouncible to young tongues
(perhaps 'faltering on' for unpronounceable' ?
- also check spelling.
'young tongues' isn't that great when spoken,
- anything wrong with 'younger' ?)
[perhaps describe the 'feel' of the paper?] slow[ly] turn[ed],
[Looking] much like me [yet] older;
simpler more reserved. Your head
rest on [s]a scattering of[/s] dust covered [leaves/sheets],
glasses akimbo, legs creased. [At] your feet a Wool cosied teapot.
Not a fan of 'akimbo' here, particularly as it is followed by 'legs'
breath perfumed sweet., eyes closed, glasses akimbo,
as Jennens’ oratorio whispers in your ear.
I first notice your hands, slow[ly] turning thumbed pages
(possibly this should start 'I find your hands...')
Funny little stick men live between thumb and pointer.
the repetition of 'thumb' so soon after 'thumbed' weakens
both lines I think.
(they've funny little stick men, alive on your skin ?)
It looks like you’ve doodled them. Didn’t Granny tell you,
('funny little...' strongly suggests 'doodled')
not to draw on yourself? Was there a shortage of paper
when you were young?
'Granny' rather implies this line
(I don't think the repetition of the first three lines
does anything for the piece)
I find you slow[ly] swimming through the dark,
turning [from] thumbed pages squint[ing]
to see me, I can’t sleep and you beckon me to you…
No longer flesh and blood but ink smeared paper,
your face is lost, forgotten, hidden somewhere
(Lost, forgotten, hidden - pick one.)
amongst adjectives, verbs and expletives
(Even if you keep this change the order, it doesn't
seem natural)
In thumbed pages, slow turning, you have gone.
Hope some of this is useful.
Best, Knot.
much to like, but I found the repetitions of certain phrases
and of 'your' (particularly S2) and 'you' (S4) got in the way,
as did the passive voice.
May just be me, but the phrase 'in thumbed pages' didn't
roll easily off the tongue (in well-thumbed... was slightly
better). Overall, it wasn't quite as 'musical' as I was expecting
from the title.
Some cut and paste thoughts.
Oratorio
(Not sure this is doing enough)
I find you In thumbed pages -
penned by [stiff-collared candlelit] men,
their names unpronouncible to young tongues
(perhaps 'faltering on' for unpronounceable' ?
- also check spelling.
'young tongues' isn't that great when spoken,
- anything wrong with 'younger' ?)
[perhaps describe the 'feel' of the paper?] slow[ly] turn[ed],
[Looking] much like me [yet] older;
simpler more reserved. Your head
rest on [s]a scattering of[/s] dust covered [leaves/sheets],
glasses akimbo, legs creased. [At] your feet a Wool cosied teapot.
Not a fan of 'akimbo' here, particularly as it is followed by 'legs'
breath perfumed sweet., eyes closed, glasses akimbo,
as Jennens’ oratorio whispers in your ear.
I first notice your hands, slow[ly] turning thumbed pages
(possibly this should start 'I find your hands...')
Funny little stick men live between thumb and pointer.
the repetition of 'thumb' so soon after 'thumbed' weakens
both lines I think.
(they've funny little stick men, alive on your skin ?)
It looks like you’ve doodled them. Didn’t Granny tell you,
('funny little...' strongly suggests 'doodled')
not to draw on yourself? Was there a shortage of paper
when you were young?
'Granny' rather implies this line
(I don't think the repetition of the first three lines
does anything for the piece)
I find you slow[ly] swimming through the dark,
turning [from] thumbed pages squint[ing]
to see me, I can’t sleep and you beckon me to you…
No longer flesh and blood but ink smeared paper,
your face is lost, forgotten, hidden somewhere
(Lost, forgotten, hidden - pick one.)
amongst adjectives, verbs and expletives
(Even if you keep this change the order, it doesn't
seem natural)
In thumbed pages, slow turning, you have gone.
Hope some of this is useful.
Best, Knot.