03-03-2018, 11:24 PM
Hi Andy,
I find some parts of this interesting: here are some thoughts:
1. The meter is wrong at multiple places in the first 4 paragraphs (eg. "and dreams that will never be" - way too many syllables). Coupled with the repitition of "seems" clauses, the result is somewhat off-putting. If it suits you, you can discard the rhyme altogether: that helps you better evaluate your own words sometimes.
1.5 Same with spelling and punctuation (eg. "I get up dance around and chear"), but that shouldn't be too difficult to find and correct.
2. The question, what brings the rains here, is skirted around - the exploration of the theme feels somewhat tangential. Also, it is not very clear who is being addressed in the first paragraph, with heavy rains occuring separately in a sentence, or where that person/entity disappears after the first paragraph. Incomplete narratives are often used in poetry, but the visible part should then be vivid enough to keep the reader engaged, not just a series of introductions.
3. The use of real and unreal in the 3rd paragraph feels more like a direct contradiction than any literary device.
4. "I can get through this" - stretching the depression metaphor a bit too thin here, maybe? It sounds like you are trying to make it obvious, which is not a good idea. When you are trying to tell a story, you have to pretend it's true.
5. The last stanza is probably the best part of this poem. It concludes the search for causes nicely enough.
Overall, it is a reasonably good poem if you're a beginner. Do try to proofread your poems at least once - one or two wrong spellings are fine by me, but it does make the act of reading a tiny bit less enjoyable.
I find some parts of this interesting: here are some thoughts:
1. The meter is wrong at multiple places in the first 4 paragraphs (eg. "and dreams that will never be" - way too many syllables). Coupled with the repitition of "seems" clauses, the result is somewhat off-putting. If it suits you, you can discard the rhyme altogether: that helps you better evaluate your own words sometimes.
1.5 Same with spelling and punctuation (eg. "I get up dance around and chear"), but that shouldn't be too difficult to find and correct.
2. The question, what brings the rains here, is skirted around - the exploration of the theme feels somewhat tangential. Also, it is not very clear who is being addressed in the first paragraph, with heavy rains occuring separately in a sentence, or where that person/entity disappears after the first paragraph. Incomplete narratives are often used in poetry, but the visible part should then be vivid enough to keep the reader engaged, not just a series of introductions.
3. The use of real and unreal in the 3rd paragraph feels more like a direct contradiction than any literary device.
4. "I can get through this" - stretching the depression metaphor a bit too thin here, maybe? It sounds like you are trying to make it obvious, which is not a good idea. When you are trying to tell a story, you have to pretend it's true.
5. The last stanza is probably the best part of this poem. It concludes the search for causes nicely enough.
Overall, it is a reasonably good poem if you're a beginner. Do try to proofread your poems at least once - one or two wrong spellings are fine by me, but it does make the act of reading a tiny bit less enjoyable.
(03-01-2018, 11:41 AM)AndyBryant123 Wrote: This is my first time posting on here, so Id love to here feedback. This poem is in three parts because its pretty long, I called it the inevitable, and this is part one, Rain. I hope you enjoy.
Rain
I asked what it is
that brings you here,
with dark grey clouds,
and heavy rains this year.
This icy chill,
and dreams that will never be,
seem all too real.
Yes, it seems to me
A shifting timeline
seems unreal to me.
I'm living in a nightmare,
it seems so real to me.
I must know what it is
that brought this cloud to me.
I can get through this,
They're all proud of me.
It seems like the clouds may clear.
I get up dance around and chear.
But the clouds come back, showing rain is near.
I still don't know what brings it here.
At the end of the day,
it's fine to be cold.
I was told that the rain would get old.