03-01-2018, 04:03 AM
Hey Richard, as a reader I find myself emphasising with the N. and for the most part I think there is some strong imagery that helps in present this relationship between the N. and their partner, that being said there are in other points places where I feel the images used could be sharpened further to really hammer the message of the piece home. Below I’ve left a few comments for you.
Winter night sneaks through window and door,
even reaching under my blankets.
Your snoring used to keep my warm,
but now you sleep alone like a prisoner,
the key lost long ago along with the jailer.
As much as I like the imagery of the final lines of the stanza, I’m not sure that the use of prison and a jailer works with the winter metaphor, used throughout the piece.
There are still moments when snow melts,
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
I like where you are going with the snow melting but feel that this image and the way it is described through ice cracking could be expressed better by expanding the thought. Really like the sky dark/ like the nightdress image though
So this is just another ending for us.
We're sick from words like “forever,”
this page not our first deathbed.
I think this is a strong and potent denouement.
I hope there is something there for you
Johnny
Winter night sneaks through window and door,
even reaching under my blankets.
Your snoring used to keep my warm,
but now you sleep alone like a prisoner,
the key lost long ago along with the jailer.
As much as I like the imagery of the final lines of the stanza, I’m not sure that the use of prison and a jailer works with the winter metaphor, used throughout the piece.
There are still moments when snow melts,
ice weakens and cracks, the sky dark
like the nightdress you used to wear
that hung tight against your hips, drooped
in the front, felt soft against my stomach.
I like where you are going with the snow melting but feel that this image and the way it is described through ice cracking could be expressed better by expanding the thought. Really like the sky dark/ like the nightdress image though
So this is just another ending for us.
We're sick from words like “forever,”
this page not our first deathbed.
I think this is a strong and potent denouement.
I hope there is something there for you
Johnny