Moose and Squirrel (Revision)

[Todd]

Knot,

Thank you.

Sometimes I can vague in responding to feedback because I don't want to give too much away and prejudice the future feedback. In this case though, I don't think the poem is that cryptic so let me address some of your points directly.

Much improved by the revision, Todd.
Would you consider making it first person? --I'd consider it. I'm not sure if it would help and it may muddy the mother/me transition. I'll play around with the idea probably won't make it into a revision 2 as it will require more thought.
(L7 would benefit I think)

The first burden of childhood is time.
not sure of this line by itself,
the knock on effect isn't beneficial to the piece.--I went this way for the parallel structure with the ending. I do see what you're saying though. The reason the ending stand alone works is because of the build up to that point. The build up hasn't been established and can't be by the first line. I'm willing to consider collapsing it back into the lead of a reformed S1.

You learn this at school through the torture--I'll think about it but it doesn't make sense for me without the article.
any way to get rid of the 'the' before torture?
of the clock’s unmoving hands
no matter how hard you stare.
The cruelty of eternity

is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother: frozen
by the siren, the duck and cover
from light that will blind, then burn, leaving
perhaps trim to;
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother:
duck[ing] and cover[ing] from light
that will blind, burn [and] leav[e]--I don't think I'm willing to change the tense of duck and cover since that was the exact filmstrip and instructions shown in the 50s--and I don't want to mess with the tense. That said, I will consider tightening more.

your shadow an immortal
chalk drawing
I still find this problematic.
Googled images of 'nuclear shadows'
and they are all dark (chalk, for me,--fair point. This isn't the first time I'm ever played with this idea. There are other approaches I could try to the same effect.
is inevitably white).
under a soot-filled rain.
For me, oblivion

was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles. Our guns were bigger
do you need 'still'?--Actually no. Now that you mention it.
until they weren’t. We played G-Men
Maybe 'Playing G-Men' to avoid repetition of 'we'?--Good editorial solution.
against Boris and Natasha at recess
(I think the added detail improves this)

then crowded eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our magician could never seem to pull

from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and with a magic pass
of the hand and a confident Presto reveal
'a' this and 'a' that, still needs work, I think.
(Can I entice you with 'bravura'?)--point taken on the "a" sequence. Probably not, but I"ll play more with the idea.
not a bunny but a savage beast.

This is the second burden of childhood.
('Which is'?)--I think the which is is explained in the hat trick itself. I'm inclined to leave this open.




Best, Knot.

I hope you don't mind the dialogue. I truly appreciate the focus you gave to certain elements. I think it should improve the end product (key word: eventually).

Best,

Todd