Obligatory Leprechaun Patterned Novelty Pants

[Todd]

Hi Johnny,

My earlier comments on the opening are unchanged--though don't need to be pedantic. I like the longer lines of the revision. As a structural change, I think it serves the poem better.

My big issues at this point though:

1) Your opening and conclusion need to hit harder. I need to have some emotional oomph from reading this. Otherwise, I'll never be inclined to come back to it. 

2) There's still some filler in this that takes away from the condensed power of poetry. Consider this sequence as an example:

Examining vegetables picked at dawn transported here for noon, earth still clinging to’em 

evidence of their freshness I suppose? 

I don't mind the speaker's voice or asides. "earth still clinging to 'em" is quite nice. "transported here for noon" adds nothing. It is simply adding another fact. I would recommend going through the poem and savagely cutting out these sorts of phrases. Less is most certainly more. The excess clouds the language and minimizes your impact.

3) Part of this is related to the lack of conclusion but it could be the primary issue. What is the poem's theme? I'm at a loss to discover it. I think this makes things a bit unfocused and rambling.

There is something here to develop. I hope the comments help you.

Best,

Todd

Revision#1

Obligatory Leprechaun Patterned Novelty Pants

Took her to St George’s market,
we’d grown tired of tracing streets
in the gloom of a baltic Friday morning.
If nothing else, she’d never been, and I wanted to go.
Never miss the chance to dander past bleary eyed mitten fingered
vendors flogging tattered books and love chipped ornaments with no home.
Examining vegetables picked at dawn transported here for noon, earth still clinging to’em
evidence of their freshness I suppose? Stalls heavin’ with the latest catch,
the smell made her gip. Embarrassed I made a show of querying the origin
and ageing process of prime Irish Beef, artisanal cheese
and sculptures made for new build homes.
Enlightened as ageing hipsters and Grammar school punks discussed Vinyl
and bemoaned current musical trends.  Not forgetting the stockpile of
obligatory Leprechaun patterned novelty pants,
I have three pairs now, a sucker for “Irish tat” as she puts it.
At any rate we’re greedy eyed and hunger paused gawking at potato bread,
soda bread and bowls of steaming stew, just like Ma made,
of course not quite as good, but proficient enough to quell
that craving and set us up for the afternoon.



Original

Obligatory Leprechaun Patterned Novelty Pants

Took her to St George’s market,
we’d grown tired of tracing streets
in the gloom of a frigid Friday morning.
If nothing else she’d never been,
and I wanted to go. Dander past
stalls selling tattered books,
cherished ornaments with no home,
vegetables picked at dawn transported here for noon,
stalls flogging the latest catch, prime Irish Beef,
artisanal cheese and sculptures made in drawing rooms.
Stalls ran by ageing hipsters and Grammar school punks
talking Vinyl and bemoaning current musical trends.  
Not forgetting stalls stockpiled with the obligatory
Leprechaun patterned novelty pants, I have three pairs now,
a sucker for “Irish tat” as she puts it. And the potato bread,
soda bread and bowls of steaming stew, just like Ma made it,
of course not quite as good, but proficient enough to
quell that craving and set us up for the afternoon.