Obligatory Leprechaun Patterned Novelty Pants

[billy]

i've only read it a couple of times so far but am rushed so here goes.

hi 20, welcome to the site. the first thing that i noticed were all the words ending with [ing] i'd suggest paring them down to add a little more strength. make "her" personal; give her a name on the 1st line...make it a good one. st georges places the market in one of a thousand places i suppose. would locking it in with a [down by the river blah] or [off the m25] etc help with the atmosphere and area.

some of the lines could be better broke. veg become fish becomes beef and the transitions aren't working for me.

there is an underlying feel about the poem that needs to better emerge. you use imagery but a lot of it is buried under verbiage. love the originality of the thing but originality isn't enough on it's own. the poetic devices you're using do work and would work better if you trimmed away the excess. all in all good effort.

Revision#1

Obligatory Leprechaun Patterned Novelty Pants

Took her to St George’s market,
we’d grown tired of tracing streets nice [t's]
in the gloom of a baltic Friday morning. [Baltic]
If nothing else, she’d never been, and I wanted to go. feels too busy, not sure [if nothing else] adds anything
Never miss the chance to dander past bleary eyed mitten fingered are you telling us not to miss the chance or do you mean [you never miss the chance. apart from the vagueness it's a great image
vendors flogging tattered books and love chipped ornaments with no home. as an ex vendor this line rings the bell
Examining vegetables picked at dawn transported here for noon, earth still clinging to’em [to 'em] feels like there's too much info, can it be more succinct?
evidence of their freshness I suppose? Stalls heavin’ with the latest catch, i'd suggest a new line for the fish.
the smell made her gip. Embarrassed I made a show of querying the origin again, the transition to beef while i'm smellin' fish
and ageing process of prime Irish Beef, artisanal cheese
and sculptures made for new build homes.
Enlightened as ageing hipsters and Grammar school punks discussed Vinyl
and bemoaned current musical trends. Not forgetting the stockpile of
obligatory Leprechaun patterned novelty pants,
I have three pairs now, a sucker for “Irish tat” as she puts it.
At any rate we’re greedy eyed and hunger paused gawking at potato bread, struggle to make this line work
soda bread and bowls of steaming stew, just like Ma made, nice [b's] and [s's]
of course not quite as good, but proficient enough to quell
that craving and set us up for the afternoon. feels too bland/too easy and end