02-28-2018, 05:00 AM
Much improved by the revision, Todd.
Would you consider making it first person?
(L7 would benefit I think)
The first burden of childhood is time.
not sure of this line by itself,
the knock on effect isn't beneficial to the piece.
You learn this at school through the torture
any way to get rid of the 'the' before torture?
of the clock’s unmoving hands
no matter how hard you stare.
The cruelty of eternity
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother: frozen
by the siren, the duck and cover
from light that will blind, then burn, leaving
perhaps trim to;
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother:
duck[ing] and cover[ing] from light
that will blind, burn [and] leav[e]
your shadow an immortal
chalk drawing
I still find this problematic.
Googled images of 'nuclear shadows'
and they are all dark (chalk, for me,
is inevitably white).
under a soot-filled rain.
For me, oblivion
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles. Our guns were bigger
do you need 'still'?
until they weren’t. We played G-Men
Maybe 'Playing G-Men' to avoid repetition of 'we'?
against Boris and Natasha at recess
(I think the added detail improves this)
then crowded eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and with a magic pass
of the hand and a confident Presto reveal
'a' this and 'a' that, still needs work, I think.
(Can I entice you with 'bravura'?)
not a bunny but a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
('Which is'?)
Best, Knot.
Would you consider making it first person?
(L7 would benefit I think)
The first burden of childhood is time.
not sure of this line by itself,
the knock on effect isn't beneficial to the piece.
You learn this at school through the torture
any way to get rid of the 'the' before torture?
of the clock’s unmoving hands
no matter how hard you stare.
The cruelty of eternity
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother: frozen
by the siren, the duck and cover
from light that will blind, then burn, leaving
perhaps trim to;
is found in always waiting
beneath your desk, like my mother:
duck[ing] and cover[ing] from light
that will blind, burn [and] leav[e]
your shadow an immortal
chalk drawing
I still find this problematic.
Googled images of 'nuclear shadows'
and they are all dark (chalk, for me,
is inevitably white).
under a soot-filled rain.
For me, oblivion
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles. Our guns were bigger
do you need 'still'?
until they weren’t. We played G-Men
Maybe 'Playing G-Men' to avoid repetition of 'we'?
against Boris and Natasha at recess
(I think the added detail improves this)
then crowded eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and with a magic pass
of the hand and a confident Presto reveal
'a' this and 'a' that, still needs work, I think.
(Can I entice you with 'bravura'?)
not a bunny but a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
('Which is'?)
Best, Knot.