02-28-2018, 04:24 AM
(02-28-2018, 02:01 AM)Todd Wrote: The first burden of childhood is time,
hour stacked upon hour
a wall of bricks stretching
into endless forever.
You learn this at school
through the torture of the hands nice misleading enjambment.. oh, the good old times, when students were easier to "handle". (that´s probably just in my head, since it´s a different topic)
of the clock that will not move, to avoid the second "the" it could be "a" clock, and for rhythm maybe it "won´t move"
no matter how hard you stare.
Eternity is cruel when you’re always waiting i like that hyperbolic "always", it´s as if a child is speaking
under your desk, like my mother maybe "under a desk" ( i briefly wondered if mother was with them at school during the duck and cover-training)
paralyzed by the siren, the inevitable
extinction, that blinds, then burns, leaving
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing
as you empty from the room, a spilled cup those two lines make an impactful image, like time just froze for an instant of "it could become true".
drained by the coming devastation. For me, oblivion i saw that cup spilled and its content vaporized (rather than drained) . and i wonder if you could leave out "for me" and just write "Oblivion"
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
We still counted missiles in our icy war.
Our gun was bigger until it wasn’t.
We played spies at recess. Only, later could well be that it´s just me having trouble with sorting the words, but i´d find it easier if you wrote " only// to crowd later eye-damagingly close... "
to crowd eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our fool magician could never seem to pull
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and reach down.
Instead of a bunny, he'd reveal a savage beast. naiveté and innocence destroyed.. at least that´s what i get here, and the poem´s last line repeats it for me.
This is the second burden of childhood.
...