Moose and Squirrel (Revision)

[Keith]

Moose and squirrel I had to google to get this fully. That said I really enjoyed this poem mostly due to the unexpected way you used the word choices, well positioned line breaks and the pure relatability of the whole. Some thoughts below.

The first burden of childhood is time,
hour stacked upon hour
a wall of bricks stretching 
into endless forever. this has me hooked just because of the great opening line

You learn this at school
through the torture of the hands
of the clock that will not move,
no matter how hard you stare. I would look to put these two opening stanza's together and sieve out the lumps ie hands is enough to tell us its a clock

Eternity is cruel when you’re always waiting
under your desk, like my mother
paralyzed by the siren, the inevitable 
extinction, that blinds, then burns, leaving great line break
 
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing love this burnt on image
as you empty from the room, a spilled cup
drained by the coming devastation. For me, oblivion is it spilled or drained you need to choose and tighten up

was as far away as the dinosaurs. I like this comparisson on how detached children are from the real world.
We still counted missiles in our icy war.
Our gun was bigger until it wasn’t. Like this line, there is always someone bigger
We played spies at recess. Only, later 

to crowd eye-damagingly close 
to a black and white television, nice image and highly relatable
its ears stretching like the rabbit, 
our fool magician could never seem to pull

from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and reach down.
Instead of a bunny, he'd reveal a savage beast.

This is the second burden of childhood. Great ending, the turn to darkness is well masked by playfulness of the Rocky & Bull references


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* From the IISZ prompts

The school setting and the fear of nuclear war comes through nicely, and I really enjoyed the poem, my comments seem to focus on a need to tighten where you can and re look at some of the mandatory words that could be extending some lines without creating impact. Best Keith