02-28-2018, 02:42 AM
Hi Todd,
couple of thoughts, for what they're worth.
Moose and Squirrel
(seems like it's missing 'and me')
The first burden of childhood is time,
great opening
hour stacked upon hour
a wall of bricks stretching
into endless forever.
I think you could cut lines 2-4,
you say it much more effectively in S2.
You learn this at school
through the torture of the hands
any chance of a modifier to 'torture'?
of the clock that will not move,
Would suggest;
through the torture of hands
on a clock...
no matter how hard you stare.
Eternity is cruel when you’re always waiting
under your desk, like my mother
(punctuation after 'mother'?)
paralyzed by the siren, the inevitable
maybe 'stricken' for 'paralysed'?
extinction, that blinds, then burns, leaving
I don't think 'inevitable extinction' is a successful
phrase. Perhaps something more firmly rooted
in the period?
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing
Surely 'charcoal' rather than 'chalk'?
as you empty from the room, a spilled cup
drained by the coming devastation. For me, oblivion
I think 'drained by the coming devastation' doesn't work
that well. Perhaps an image better suited to the classroom?
Why 'oblivion', rather than something more specific
(thermonuclear war, for instance)?
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
perhaps 'as distant as...'?
We still counted missiles in our icy war.
'icy war' is a bit weak (do you need it?)
Our gun was bigger until it wasn’t.
great line.
We played spies at recess. Only, later
I think you could trim this a bit;
We still counted missiles and Our gun[s
were] bigger until [they weren't]. We played
spies at recess [any pop culture reference
- Bond/Solo/Mission Impossible?]
Only, later
I don't follow this.
Do you mean something like 'every afternoon'?
to crowd eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
slight ambiguity in phrasing here.
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our fool magician could never seem to pull
(do you need 'fool'? - Had to google this and the title)
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and reach down.
This feels a bit flat, where are the blue-gloved fingers
waggling and the 'Presto'?
Instead of a bunny, he'd reveal a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
Don't know if it would work, but could
Bullwinkle pull the 'second burden...'
directly out of the hat? Those that know
will get the 'savage beast', the rest of us
can just look it up
Best, Knot.
couple of thoughts, for what they're worth.
Moose and Squirrel
(seems like it's missing 'and me')
The first burden of childhood is time,
great opening
hour stacked upon hour
a wall of bricks stretching
into endless forever.
I think you could cut lines 2-4,
you say it much more effectively in S2.
You learn this at school
through the torture of the hands
any chance of a modifier to 'torture'?
of the clock that will not move,
Would suggest;
through the torture of hands
on a clock...
no matter how hard you stare.
Eternity is cruel when you’re always waiting
under your desk, like my mother
(punctuation after 'mother'?)
paralyzed by the siren, the inevitable
maybe 'stricken' for 'paralysed'?
extinction, that blinds, then burns, leaving
I don't think 'inevitable extinction' is a successful
phrase. Perhaps something more firmly rooted
in the period?
your shadow an immortal chalk drawing
Surely 'charcoal' rather than 'chalk'?
as you empty from the room, a spilled cup
drained by the coming devastation. For me, oblivion
I think 'drained by the coming devastation' doesn't work
that well. Perhaps an image better suited to the classroom?
Why 'oblivion', rather than something more specific
(thermonuclear war, for instance)?
was as far away as the dinosaurs.
perhaps 'as distant as...'?
We still counted missiles in our icy war.
'icy war' is a bit weak (do you need it?)
Our gun was bigger until it wasn’t.
great line.
We played spies at recess. Only, later
I think you could trim this a bit;
We still counted missiles and Our gun[s
were] bigger until [they weren't]. We played
spies at recess [any pop culture reference
- Bond/Solo/Mission Impossible?]
Only, later
I don't follow this.
Do you mean something like 'every afternoon'?
to crowd eye-damagingly close
to a black and white television,
slight ambiguity in phrasing here.
its ears stretching like the rabbit,
our fool magician could never seem to pull
(do you need 'fool'? - Had to google this and the title)
from the hat between his antlers. He'd tear
away his sleeve, and reach down.
This feels a bit flat, where are the blue-gloved fingers
waggling and the 'Presto'?
Instead of a bunny, he'd reveal a savage beast.
This is the second burden of childhood.
Don't know if it would work, but could
Bullwinkle pull the 'second burden...'
directly out of the hat? Those that know
will get the 'savage beast', the rest of us
can just look it up
Best, Knot.