Legacy

[moot]

Moot, there is a hell of a lot to like with this draft it feels so much tighter throughout in terms of rhythm and meter. There are still occasions where this does feel forced but on the most part it works. In comparison with the first Draft this does have the potency which I asked for and it’s great to see how much this piece has evolved already. I’ve made a few further comments below and in terms of the subject matter of the piece have you ever listened to Say Anything’s Alive with the Glory of Love? If not check it out, it’s a great track, by one of my favorite bands when I was growing up, which deals with a similar subject as this
 
Cheers
Johnny
 
Draft 2

A hidden few
secreted away.
Deception hides
The hunted strays.

Not 100% on the use of strays to describe the hunted, given the context of the piece that gives me the impression that the hunted are able to move freely, what about pray? If they are being hunted perhaps they are praying not to be found?


The lying grin
shines in grief
as simple people
heil one belief.

I see what you’re getting at here, I would suggest that the people of this piece where far from simple which makes this part of history especially shocking. Moreover; anti-Semitism was prevalent throughout all of Europe at this time and there suggestions that people such as T.S. Eliot for instance while not condoning Holocaust did share some of these beliefs. But that’s me moving beyond Poetry and that isn’t the remit of this forum. Check out historical movements such as the White Rose Movement for more on this

Black Coats play
a murderous game
viciously seeking
millions of names.

Like this stanza

The steam engine
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.

Black ovens burn
cry's of respite.
Flames of legacy
ignite.

Cries not cry’s here. Not too sure that the connection between the ovens and respite works here and beyond context it also creates a jarring for me in terms of the rhythm and flow of the piece which I think is pretty strong throughout the rest of the piece.

Thanks for the critique. I struggle with meter. I think I have a understanding of how it can be better used.  I am yet to listen to those tracks, I will do so. I saw Schindler's List and The Zookeepers Wife. Such regimes are inconceivable. The choice to use 'simple'  for S8 is  a play on words and a criticism on flawed ideologies. 
 

The lying grin
shines in grief
as simple people
heil one belief.


I am a little unclear on how to avoid forced rhyme in poetry. My understanding of forced rhyme is the use of rhyming words that have little variation. Line, time, fine. While I try to avoid this I somehow manage to write lines that read as though they are forced. After reading this draft, I do think that S15 and S16 may appear forced. Cry's ...auto correct, lol. I have to stop using my iphone XD



The steam engine
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.


Do you have any tips on how to avoid forced thyme in prose?  Thanks again. On to the next revision...