many thanks! super useful -- i'll not post any edits until i have a few more bits of feedback, though i think my notepad edition's gonna get somewhere. just a few notes:
this piece was written in a bit of a frenzy, trying to work with a particularly hard IISZ prompt. i accomplished the prompt by mirroring the pieces' line and stanza lengths, as well as hinting at a few of their images (or, in the case of "sterile snow", copying them wholesale), while talking about the still-fresh emotions i had felt throughout, and right after, our brief time in Boracay.
last stanza is another play at fragmentation: it's supposed to continue directly after the first stanza, thus the spacing and the rather broken first line. i can't tell if my recent experiments at it have been working, though (and here i refer to "Galatea" and "the nightmall dream").
perhaps, in the narrative of your reading, it's not just faith but an infertility incompatible with one of the partners' faiths that caused the relationship to break apart, with the imagery of snow (or the white sand beaches of Boracay) contrasting with the imagery of fire (also the bright orange lights that start the piece, and the corresponding lust of both the voyeur neighbor and the speaker him/herself)?
and i'm thinking of changing the title: the fact that i wrote this after an unsatisfying ending to an otherwise splendid vacation, and the fact that this was originally a response to an IISZ prompt, should be immaterial to the rest of the piece. maybe "Fallout", or is that too apocalyptic?
