02-27-2018, 01:13 AM
Moot, there is a hell of a lot to like with this draft it feels so much tighter throughout in terms of rhythm and meter. There are still occasions where this does feel forced but on the most part it works. In comparison with the first Draft this does have the potency which I asked for and it’s great to see how much this piece has evolved already. I’ve made a few further comments below and in terms of the subject matter of the piece have you ever listened to Say Anything’s Alive with the Glory of Love? If not check it out, it’s a great track, by one of my favourite bands when I was growing up, which deals with a similar subject as this
Cheers
Johnny
Draft 2
A hidden few
secreted away.
Deception hides
The hunted strays.
Not 100% on the use of strays to describe the hunted, given the context of the piece that gives me the impression that the hunted are able to move freely, what about pray? If they are being hunted perhaps they are praying not to be found?
The lying grin
shines in grief
as simple people
heil one belief.
I see what you’re getting at here, I would suggest that the people of this piece where far from simple which makes this part of history especially shocking. Moreover; anti-Semitism was prevalent throughout all of Europe at this time and there suggestions that people such as T.S. Eliot for instance while not condoning Holocaust did share some of these beliefs. But that’s me moving beyond Poetry and that isn’t the remit of this forum. Check out historical movements such as the White Rose Movement for more on this
Black Coats play
a murderous game
viciously seeking
millions of names.
Like this stanza
The steam engine
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.
Black ovens burn
cry's of respite.
Flames of legacy
ignite.
Cries not cry’s here. Not too sure that the connection between the ovens and respite works here and beyond context it also creates a jarring for me in terms of the rhythm and flow of the piece which I think is pretty strong throughout the rest of the piece.
Cheers
Johnny
Draft 2
A hidden few
secreted away.
Deception hides
The hunted strays.
Not 100% on the use of strays to describe the hunted, given the context of the piece that gives me the impression that the hunted are able to move freely, what about pray? If they are being hunted perhaps they are praying not to be found?
The lying grin
shines in grief
as simple people
heil one belief.
I see what you’re getting at here, I would suggest that the people of this piece where far from simple which makes this part of history especially shocking. Moreover; anti-Semitism was prevalent throughout all of Europe at this time and there suggestions that people such as T.S. Eliot for instance while not condoning Holocaust did share some of these beliefs. But that’s me moving beyond Poetry and that isn’t the remit of this forum. Check out historical movements such as the White Rose Movement for more on this
Black Coats play
a murderous game
viciously seeking
millions of names.
Like this stanza
The steam engine
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.
Black ovens burn
cry's of respite.
Flames of legacy
ignite.
Cries not cry’s here. Not too sure that the connection between the ovens and respite works here and beyond context it also creates a jarring for me in terms of the rhythm and flow of the piece which I think is pretty strong throughout the rest of the piece.