from IISZ, edit 2

[vagabond]

Home, after a restless vacation
after Louise Gluck


There's the bright orange of the two lone lights
still open in my room: the eye-glazing screen
and the power-sucking bulb; there's the darkness outside   
pitted with brief lights
and the half-full moon inverted
over my voyeur neighbor's house; I'm naked but the aircon's           i don´t get the significance of the voyeur neighbor, but those one and a half lines that follow are just great!
never cool enough; I suspect I'm not in the right country,
I think my phone is dead but say lobat,
I look out over the sterile snow                        hate to suggest an "ing", but maybe here it would work:   "i suspect my phone is dead but answer `lobat`,/ looking outside over sterile snow"


Sometimes I mingle memories               maybe "dreams sometimes mingle with memories"
with dreams
but this one I remember
clearly: her elaborate
right arm tatoo, her mousy
face, her thin frame
glasses and the piercings
on her nose, her ears
her half-American voice
my gaze shifting here and there                             very visual description, you could get rid of a few "her"s i think. and maybe "my dizzied gaze shifted" or some such (and leave out "here and there")

Sometimes I watch                     would like "her welcome me" up in this line
her welcome me
in a foreign tongue,
toss away her legged bag and lift
her dress above her chin.
Sometimes I look                                                    i´d think "out" belongs in this line
out over her shoulder
to the world passing us by,
then rage over my choice
of thoughts, words,                                           you could leave out thoughts (because those we can´t really choose, at least i can´t imagine how)
advances,
as if I had a choice.                       just to avoid to many "I"s: "as if there was a choice"
Sometimes I close my eyes.


that suddenly turns to mist like the rough bodies of those we        "... like those rough bodies/ we proselytizers and infertile mothers loved..."   and maybe start "suddenly this turns to mist" though i don´t quite know how mist is like rough bodies.. it seems like there´s just a link i miss.
proselytizers and infertile mothers loved, hands clasped
in the dark. No I will not succumb. There is no night that will                 a separate line for "no, i will not succumb"?
not lead our eyes to close, nor blidness when oracular dreams             "bliNdness" (but i still think an answer is received with ears, so deafness instead of blindness could be an option.. the fire below would still work in my opinion)
refuse to answer Hineni, Hineni. There is no turn approaching.    love the desperately faithful sound of this "hineni, hineni"
There is a voice that cries                              you could cut this 2nd "there is"+ "that" (and i´d pull up "out" in this line, to finish the poem with a series of lines starting "over")
out over the wilderness,
over the eternal fire-                                i probably miss the enjambment´s purpose, so i imagine fire-works to be united in one line, too
works over Boracay,
over the sterile snow--                          am still searching the connection of infertile mothers and sterile snow... there must be one, i´m just to obtuse to get it. proselityzers got me to think the relationship didn´t work out for differences in faith.

so, here is a load of probably far too suggestive suggestions, anyway, maybe you find something useful : )