02-26-2018, 12:47 AM
Hi tectak.
At the table sat my father and his father, too.
There were others seated round, faces that I barely knew;
some hagard, weak as ancient Yews that sprawling in old graveyards grew,
'some' is left hanging
(Perhaps 'churchyards' for 'graveyards' ?)
their trembling limbs held up by props
to lift and hold them from the ground.
Still think this line is problematic.
It basically says the same thing as the preceding line,
but less interestingly. Perhaps a description of the ground?
This was my memory.
At the table sat my friends, some of whom I'd lost to time.
How we talked and how we laughed, everytime we spilt the wine;
Comparatively weak line, I think (time/everytime).
Perhaps describe the mood, rather than the actions?
then looked to see our father’s eyes, for all their fathers sat with mine,
but only saw the loving smiles
upon the faces of the proud.
(begs the question of what you saw on the faces
of those who were not proud)
We were their memories.
Do you need the final lines of the first and second verses?
At the table, husbands, wives; mothers, children by their side.
A list? Really?
Those with god prayed for the quick, none spouted cant for those who died.
Don't think these two line work at all.
We all depart so leaving spaces
filled once by loved, familiar faces.
'filled once'? (to be filled by familiar faces ?)
Time moves us on; our destiny
is someone else’s memory.
[if we're lucky
]
Best, Knot.
At the table sat my father and his father, too.
There were others seated round, faces that I barely knew;
some hagard, weak as ancient Yews that sprawling in old graveyards grew,
'some' is left hanging
(Perhaps 'churchyards' for 'graveyards' ?)
their trembling limbs held up by props
to lift and hold them from the ground.
Still think this line is problematic.
It basically says the same thing as the preceding line,
but less interestingly. Perhaps a description of the ground?
This was my memory.
At the table sat my friends, some of whom I'd lost to time.
How we talked and how we laughed, everytime we spilt the wine;
Comparatively weak line, I think (time/everytime).
Perhaps describe the mood, rather than the actions?
then looked to see our father’s eyes, for all their fathers sat with mine,
but only saw the loving smiles
upon the faces of the proud.
(begs the question of what you saw on the faces
of those who were not proud)
We were their memories.
Do you need the final lines of the first and second verses?
At the table, husbands, wives; mothers, children by their side.
A list? Really?
Those with god prayed for the quick, none spouted cant for those who died.
Don't think these two line work at all.
We all depart so leaving spaces
filled once by loved, familiar faces.
'filled once'? (to be filled by familiar faces ?)
Time moves us on; our destiny
is someone else’s memory.
[if we're lucky
]Best, Knot.