02-25-2018, 11:49 PM
Afternoon Moot, glad to have had the chance to read this. On the whole I like the work, there are some strong visuals and at times I like the way in which this flows, at those points it has a musicality to it. That being said, I did struggle at times with the meter and the way this reads, especially if you like me read poetry aloud, at least when no one else is home. I also think that in parts there is a limpness to the poem that negates the message you are trying to convey, or is that something deliberate to evoke the plight of all the oppressed? More than anything else what needs work is the inconsistency of meter, it doesn’t have to be the whole way through as a jarring change towards the denouement would work wonderfully but at the beginning to draw the reader in.
Lying grins
stumble to grieve.
Wide glazed eyes
stare in disbelief.
Unsure the use of the word stumble works here, if nothing else it trips me up as the reader. Also I don’t think glazed eyes can stare? For me the idea of starring is too potent, a more impotent adjective would work much better here.
Hidden few
secreted away.
Innocence hides
the hunted strays.
I like the way this reads it has a flow off the tongue that I think is missing elsewhere and should run from S1 to probably around the end of S4
The legacy
of the oppressed.
History will tell
of countless deaths.
Straying towards the cliché here
A Murderous game
Black Coats play
hide and seek
for millions of names.
I like the concept of a worldwide game of hide and seek and it works will as a contrast to the allusions to the Holocaust presented throughout the work, however; he writing itself doesn’t flow well enough, syntax lets the image down
Steam engines
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.
Ovens burn
cry's of respite
falling bone dust
chokes the night.
There has to be a way of mentioning ovens, because I like the potency of the image, without falling into the clichés of dust and choking.
Overall I hope some of my comments help, if not ignore me and move on
Johnny
Lying grins
stumble to grieve.
Wide glazed eyes
stare in disbelief.
Unsure the use of the word stumble works here, if nothing else it trips me up as the reader. Also I don’t think glazed eyes can stare? For me the idea of starring is too potent, a more impotent adjective would work much better here.
Hidden few
secreted away.
Innocence hides
the hunted strays.
I like the way this reads it has a flow off the tongue that I think is missing elsewhere and should run from S1 to probably around the end of S4
The legacy
of the oppressed.
History will tell
of countless deaths.
Straying towards the cliché here
A Murderous game
Black Coats play
hide and seek
for millions of names.
I like the concept of a worldwide game of hide and seek and it works will as a contrast to the allusions to the Holocaust presented throughout the work, however; he writing itself doesn’t flow well enough, syntax lets the image down
Steam engines
speeding with ferocity.
All aboard!
The screaming monstrosity.
Ovens burn
cry's of respite
falling bone dust
chokes the night.
There has to be a way of mentioning ovens, because I like the potency of the image, without falling into the clichés of dust and choking.
Overall I hope some of my comments help, if not ignore me and move on
Johnny