Ocean's Winds

[tectak]

Looking for intensive critique on my six part poem.that I'm looking to publish in a poetry book with other pieces I have saved. If anyone could take the time to pick this apart I'd really appreciate it!

Hello blood,
I am not sure that I should take a whole lot of time to "pick" this apart , but I will if you will do something for me. Read this work out loud to yourself and make squiggly marks, punctuation, where your normal speech tells you there is a problem...and there are problems. It is quite clearly spelled out to you that in this forum your work should be free from simple errors...this is not. OK...so here's the deal. Go through it carefully and make it as good as you can. I do not believe that you believe that this is as well written as you can make it. Do this and you will save us both a lot of time. Once adjusted, the Intensive crit will be forthcoming. I am not sure of the ethics in a rewrite by others  if you are intending publishing unless it will be self-publshed.  A few pointers in text to give you some ideas.
Best,
tectak


Ocean's Winds - Part I

Bring the ocean of emotion
in the morning swell dwelling 
inside the waves.of power....too convoluted  and wordy to have impact. Not cleanly enough  punctuated to make sense

I taste the air, crisp in the morning 
wind and the sun shining through
the gaps in the clouds blinding me. As an isolated thought, it is fine. As a connected thought it is...er...isolated. Consider combining stanzas

I am your protector, for my love is 
here now inside my heart beating forever
your word is the bringer of protective intent There is a consequential use of "for"....but no consequence following. Dreadfully hackneyed and I have absolutely no idea what the last line means except it may mean the same as the first line...which goes without saying.

for I am your instrument of safety
as the longing rests deep within
for I know nothing but this readiness This is reminiscent of hindu love poetry badly translated...is it?

to defend you I stand at your ready
whether or not your love is meant for me
my protection comes at no cost Hmmm...I am beginning to believe myself. There is something "lossy" about the whole feel of this. It is hopelessly and naively over-romantic.

other than your kinship rather than 
your affection though I do crave it,
I am honestly in love, so utterly and true. Just dreadful...I would lose this stanza completely. It really is faux-poeticin the worst way
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Ocean's Winds - Part II   No more for now but only because the problems are generic.Don't despair...work on it, punctuate it, remove hyperbole, eliminate cliches, try not to say the same thing over and over again, don't repeat words quite so often or better, at all. Stop falling in to oldee english achaic traps...and if you are writing this to woo the cute blond girl who sits next to you in class...come clean. If she's called Roxane I won't be back

Within the deepest reaches 
of the grandest of seas
there rests a power more

compelling to the touch than love
itself; this strength dwells within me
it also dwells within you.

Scorching skies or darkened days
my love for you remains the same
and I know what needs to be done.

I feel nothing but a righteous anger
that is channeled into a protective trust
conquering a primitive need inside.

And although I long for your affection
I am willing to let that die a slow death
even though I am still deeply in love.

These emotions are beyond reasoning
and this love is beyond a physical infatuation
that triumphed a memory so paralyzing to remember.

Where can I run, what can I do?
Except long for a love 
other than you to become true?
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Ocean's Winds - Part III

Stronger than I was but still plagued 
with a fierce anger accompanied 
with the very same hatred that I felt after

his soul departed to the Heavens 
and her love crucified before the 
sight of Christ and the Throne of God.

Must I continue this struggle? 
Living day in and out with his memory 
that I am unable to erase, an inept defeat.

I roar to the skies "God answer me!" I shout out
"Why Father, is he gone, my very flesh 
and blood?" hearing only silence I turn to anger.

My sails are cast into the Ocean's Winds
as the oars protrude from the vessel
a miasma of cross wind and manpower

driving us into the future, leaving all the hurt behind
but the anger will always burn, like an endless flame
kindled in the ashes of the essence of my heart's grief..
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Ocean's Winds - Part IV


Such anger no longer felt in the heart of a Man
that has advanced forward into the mission of
his dedication to a love he felt with such intensity.


The cliff face beckons those to step into the void
that moment of bewilderment, enticing all to jump
below the jagged rocks protrude from the Ocean

assaulted by the roaring tides, once clear skies
turning into a storm, thunder cracking with ferocity
such power that is felt even in the Heavens above

from whence they came, striking again with the
strong wind, it's as if Poseidon's wrath is let loose
of nature's own backlash to everyone's ambitions

brought forth with the wrath of Zeus's lightning 
and thunder massaged the notes of Gaia's violin,
these entities are a metaphoric description of

a glorious storm tearing through the vessels that
peter on its surface, beneath them the trenches 
of the deep flooded with swordfishes and others.

I continue through this storm, in search of my fate.
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Ocean's Winds - Part V

"God, I am yours now and forever. See my 
dedication written in the passages of time."
Reaffirmed through my commitment and loyalty

to the Throne he ascended in the graces of God
fulfilling a prophecy written of in the timeless ages
of the ascension of the Messiah, a kingdom of sorrow.

I sway to the soundtrack of the enlightened ages
a time of peace and plenty, even a Soldier needs 
his respite. I long for the delicacies of a love

made for me to fall deeply into, without fear of failure
knowing full well how this Earth has progressed through 
fire and brimstone as well as pain and sorrow

without order all falls to chaos, without chaos all turns
to a monotonous existence, of dedication to our own
enslavement paying as much as we're paid.

Where must I turn to, to see my destiny fulfilled?
All I know is all I've experienced, time will surely tell
as if I didn't understand that success requires sacrifice.
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Ocean's Winds - Part VI

Now I behold the longing within my eyes 
as I stare deeply into my reflection 
within this Ocean, again this fire has been lit.

An unstoppable force bequeathed a purpose
that I am compelled to fulfill, with patience 
and practice I refine myself in that same fire

that my eyes are burning a shade of, this is
a completion of goals, a restructure of my
timeline and past, knowing this is going to evolve

into something so powerful that it could dwarf 
the greatest of achievements, and be reborn 
from the ashes of a past so riddled in tragedy.

As I see the Sun through the clouds shimmering 
a horizon plagued in darkness above the Ocean
and the peacefulness has been provoked into war.

I stand before Him, as witness to the greatness of His 
merciless will, set upon a sky of darkened clouds, 
pouring rain and fierce winds creating a storm of power.