02-25-2018, 04:37 AM
Hi Johnny (or Hamilton)
I really enjoyed this, and would like more of it
(interior of the car, landmarks on the way to the station, etc,.)
- but that's just me.
Where it doen't work for me is the title, as only Belfast features,
and I'd suggest the last line (or the last two lines) as an alternative.
I think they carry an emotional weight that the list of place names
simply does not.
I don't know if it's even possible, but if you could figure out how
you might get this piece to start with 'Ma washing a wardrobe'
...It would make such a wonderful first line.
Go n-éirí an bóthar leat
...
Go gcoinní Dia i mbos A láimhe thú.
Not sure google translate does this justice
(but never mind)
Aye well, left didn't I?
A cacophony followed
Either a 'when' you left or a
'how long' the cacophony lasted', I think.
It's just a couple of lines too short to bridge
the gap from verse 1/intro to 3.
Ma washing a wardrobe
for all occasions, a sea of white linen,
salt-caked shirt cuffs, starched collars,
trousers rolled just how I like 'em,
an her frail hands rattling
oul suitcase, packed ever so gentle.
All the above is excellent, character and scene in one.
[The] taste of homemade tatty bread
home-made is a bit of an interruption (to the alliteration)
[still] stuck behind [my] teeth.
(behind or between?)
"Ock aye,
but y'll be back won't ye
lad?"
Kettle shrills
“Y’ll have a cuppa won’t ye?
An a wee biscuit go on
go on know ye will”
Was the Father Ted reference deliberate?
[C]rumb burdened pockets, Ma’s parfam;
eau de Lourdes avec rose follows me
(is eau de Lourdes real? if not excellent invention)
[out to the car]. Da driving me
till the station. Boys a dear, fifty six
(Boy's ?)
and counting, grey like ma, suppose
her colour went early, his took a little longer…
like these two lines.
Hands shake tentative hug brief smile
Perhaps unpack this line a little?
ain't seen the aul bastard cry,
nat seen 'im since...
"Y'll be alright son,
remember yer catechism
an don't forget to pray"
“And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.”
Best, Knot.
I really enjoyed this, and would like more of it
(interior of the car, landmarks on the way to the station, etc,.)
- but that's just me.
Where it doen't work for me is the title, as only Belfast features,
and I'd suggest the last line (or the last two lines) as an alternative.
I think they carry an emotional weight that the list of place names
simply does not.
I don't know if it's even possible, but if you could figure out how
you might get this piece to start with 'Ma washing a wardrobe'
...It would make such a wonderful first line.
Go n-éirí an bóthar leat
...
Go gcoinní Dia i mbos A láimhe thú.
Not sure google translate does this justice
(but never mind)
Aye well, left didn't I?
A cacophony followed
Either a 'when' you left or a
'how long' the cacophony lasted', I think.
It's just a couple of lines too short to bridge
the gap from verse 1/intro to 3.
Ma washing a wardrobe
for all occasions, a sea of white linen,
salt-caked shirt cuffs, starched collars,
trousers rolled just how I like 'em,
an her frail hands rattling
oul suitcase, packed ever so gentle.
All the above is excellent, character and scene in one.
[The] taste of homemade tatty bread
home-made is a bit of an interruption (to the alliteration)
[still] stuck behind [my] teeth.
(behind or between?)
"Ock aye,
but y'll be back won't ye
lad?"
Kettle shrills
“Y’ll have a cuppa won’t ye?
An a wee biscuit go on
go on know ye will”
Was the Father Ted reference deliberate?
[C]rumb burdened pockets, Ma’s parfam;
eau de Lourdes avec rose follows me
(is eau de Lourdes real? if not excellent invention)
[out to the car]. Da driving me
till the station. Boys a dear, fifty six
(Boy's ?)
and counting, grey like ma, suppose
her colour went early, his took a little longer…
like these two lines.
Hands shake tentative hug brief smile
Perhaps unpack this line a little?
ain't seen the aul bastard cry,
nat seen 'im since...
"Y'll be alright son,
remember yer catechism
an don't forget to pray"
“And until we meet again
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.”
Best, Knot.