02-21-2018, 02:53 PM
Hi Tectak,
You have a clever beginning here. I looked at 5 recent poems in this thread and liked yours the most so that's a positive (at least compared to the competition lol). I did cringe at the very first line when you used the British spelling of "colored' to describe a man "in New York City". Not only is the spelling wrong for the region but the word "colored" or even spelled "coloured" is an offensive term to many black people in New York City. So the line absolutely must be rewritten, but pretending that you've made that correction, the rest of the poem has possibilities.
I was also a little concerned with the line "Being by birth a palette in a grey town". If "grey" is meant to describe the black person, then it again seems a little insensitive and offensive. And if the word is meant to describe New York City - it's not a "grey town." I spent many years living there and other places and no one I know who has actually visited New York describes it as a "grey town". Are you really talking about New York? Maybe in your mind you're half-visualizing some town you know well that is, in fact, "a grey town" and, if so, maybe you should change the story to be about that town, but more on that later....
It also seems unlikely that someone who happened to get a bit of paint on shoes would carry that paint "almost to the edge" of New York City. You really should try walking from, say, the Bronx to the edge of Staton Island one day, or from Manhattan to the edge of Queens or Brooklyn. This line needs to be rewritten - there's no reason you have to say "edge" and certainly not "edge of town" when describing one of the largest population centers in the world - the largest in the world if you count the number of people that commute into the city for work. But you could easily say "three blocks away or "eight blocks away" or "to the edge of the borough" or something that fits New York (if you're going to keep this part of the poem set in New York).
The third stanza ties in nicely both with your use of sound and your tying together earlier images, though I do question if the overall meaning is enough to call this a poem or if it is at this point a clever exercise showing some skilled use of sound and connected imagery but without the profound significance that I would hope for.
How do you get to profound significance? I think for one thing you need to understand your subject better. The errors you made in the first stanza are a clear indication that you lack much understanding of black people in New York City. So why do you write about one? How is he important to your story? On the one hand, it seems like you're trying to tie into significant social issues - minorities such as blacks and homosexuals and issues they are facing in America - but if you don't really seem to know much about them and it almost seems like you are just trying the hijack their pain for your own glory as a poet - I find that disingenuous. Minorities that I know personally from New York City and Greenwich Village hate it when some outsider who has no vested "skin in the game" to use an American term tries to pose as a participant but really all you're doing is trying to re-direct a bit of the spotlight from their very serious and important issues to your much less important self for your own benefit as a writer to get recognition. Frankly, I also find it offensive, and that's one of the reasons I've reacted harshly here.
What I think you should do is replace the characters in your poem with (and the location in your poem) people (and a location) you actually know and identify with. If you speak British English then those people are not residents of New York City, but there are people in your own neighborhood, people you know personally, and if you talk about them, instead of someone far from your experience, then I think you'll be making an important step in the right direction of making this effort much more profound. It will be more profound because it will be more from your own, real experience, and not something that you're trying to pretend. It may seem to you that you need to tie into some big, newsworthy issue to write a profound poem but really you just need to tie into your own experience base - that's where the possibility of something profound lies.
Best of luck with the next version!
You have a clever beginning here. I looked at 5 recent poems in this thread and liked yours the most so that's a positive (at least compared to the competition lol). I did cringe at the very first line when you used the British spelling of "colored' to describe a man "in New York City". Not only is the spelling wrong for the region but the word "colored" or even spelled "coloured" is an offensive term to many black people in New York City. So the line absolutely must be rewritten, but pretending that you've made that correction, the rest of the poem has possibilities.
I was also a little concerned with the line "Being by birth a palette in a grey town". If "grey" is meant to describe the black person, then it again seems a little insensitive and offensive. And if the word is meant to describe New York City - it's not a "grey town." I spent many years living there and other places and no one I know who has actually visited New York describes it as a "grey town". Are you really talking about New York? Maybe in your mind you're half-visualizing some town you know well that is, in fact, "a grey town" and, if so, maybe you should change the story to be about that town, but more on that later....
It also seems unlikely that someone who happened to get a bit of paint on shoes would carry that paint "almost to the edge" of New York City. You really should try walking from, say, the Bronx to the edge of Staton Island one day, or from Manhattan to the edge of Queens or Brooklyn. This line needs to be rewritten - there's no reason you have to say "edge" and certainly not "edge of town" when describing one of the largest population centers in the world - the largest in the world if you count the number of people that commute into the city for work. But you could easily say "three blocks away or "eight blocks away" or "to the edge of the borough" or something that fits New York (if you're going to keep this part of the poem set in New York).
The third stanza ties in nicely both with your use of sound and your tying together earlier images, though I do question if the overall meaning is enough to call this a poem or if it is at this point a clever exercise showing some skilled use of sound and connected imagery but without the profound significance that I would hope for.
How do you get to profound significance? I think for one thing you need to understand your subject better. The errors you made in the first stanza are a clear indication that you lack much understanding of black people in New York City. So why do you write about one? How is he important to your story? On the one hand, it seems like you're trying to tie into significant social issues - minorities such as blacks and homosexuals and issues they are facing in America - but if you don't really seem to know much about them and it almost seems like you are just trying the hijack their pain for your own glory as a poet - I find that disingenuous. Minorities that I know personally from New York City and Greenwich Village hate it when some outsider who has no vested "skin in the game" to use an American term tries to pose as a participant but really all you're doing is trying to re-direct a bit of the spotlight from their very serious and important issues to your much less important self for your own benefit as a writer to get recognition. Frankly, I also find it offensive, and that's one of the reasons I've reacted harshly here.
What I think you should do is replace the characters in your poem with (and the location in your poem) people (and a location) you actually know and identify with. If you speak British English then those people are not residents of New York City, but there are people in your own neighborhood, people you know personally, and if you talk about them, instead of someone far from your experience, then I think you'll be making an important step in the right direction of making this effort much more profound. It will be more profound because it will be more from your own, real experience, and not something that you're trying to pretend. It may seem to you that you need to tie into some big, newsworthy issue to write a profound poem but really you just need to tie into your own experience base - that's where the possibility of something profound lies.
Best of luck with the next version!