02-21-2018, 01:12 PM
Hi Moot,
What is best about your poem is:
1) You use imagery well - the image is clear in my mind.
2) You don't have a lot of unnecessary language
3) A lot of people who post in beginner forums and use rhyme struggle to use it well, and end up using poor rhyme choices, but you don't have that problem.
Some limitations/areas of potential improvement of your poem are:
1) Your subject matter is light - paper dolls are a limited subject matter and even their ability to be symbolic of larger is limited. Fortunately, you keep your poem short and light which fits your light subject matter. I think, however, that your poem is one stanza too long. I'd cut the third stanza, and there's other reasons why I'd pick that stanza to cut (as follows).
2) The second stanza is about the decay of the dolls over time and the third stanza is just repeating that idea. But the third stanza has a couple of additional problems.
3) One additional problem I see in the third stanza is the words, "like a scythe the clock hands reave" are not precise. This is a bit of a mixed metaphor. Clock hands don't actually reave. Clock hands are symbolic of time, and everything decays in time, but not "like" a scythe reaves, because the reaving of a scythe is quick and immediate - one moment something is not reaved and the next it is reaved when talking about scythes. A symbol often associated with old age is death, because old people die, and death is associated with the image of a man in a dark cloak carrying a scythe, so this is where your metaphor becomes mixed. It seems you're trying to tie all this together in one image but it doesn't work literally.
4) Another additional problem I see in the third stanza is that it mentions that the dolls' heads "tumble" as if reaved by a scythe; yet, the fourth stanza then wants to speak about the eyes of the dolls. But if the heads have tumbled off in the third stanza then the eyes would have needed to tumble off with the heads.
Fortunately, all this is easily fixable just by removing the unnecessary third stanza, making the poem tighter and snappier while removing all your biggest problem areas. As a final touch, I would then think about switching the last stanza to make it the second stanza. To wit:
Paper Dolls - After Suggested Changes
Paper dolls
Cut to please
In perfect rows
Sharply creased
Paper dolls stare
Eyes that never blink
Paper dolls do not care
Paper dolls do not think
Bleached doll parts
Creep into slow decay
Paper creasing into scars
Sheets of ivory fray
What is best about your poem is:
1) You use imagery well - the image is clear in my mind.
2) You don't have a lot of unnecessary language
3) A lot of people who post in beginner forums and use rhyme struggle to use it well, and end up using poor rhyme choices, but you don't have that problem.
Some limitations/areas of potential improvement of your poem are:
1) Your subject matter is light - paper dolls are a limited subject matter and even their ability to be symbolic of larger is limited. Fortunately, you keep your poem short and light which fits your light subject matter. I think, however, that your poem is one stanza too long. I'd cut the third stanza, and there's other reasons why I'd pick that stanza to cut (as follows).
2) The second stanza is about the decay of the dolls over time and the third stanza is just repeating that idea. But the third stanza has a couple of additional problems.
3) One additional problem I see in the third stanza is the words, "like a scythe the clock hands reave" are not precise. This is a bit of a mixed metaphor. Clock hands don't actually reave. Clock hands are symbolic of time, and everything decays in time, but not "like" a scythe reaves, because the reaving of a scythe is quick and immediate - one moment something is not reaved and the next it is reaved when talking about scythes. A symbol often associated with old age is death, because old people die, and death is associated with the image of a man in a dark cloak carrying a scythe, so this is where your metaphor becomes mixed. It seems you're trying to tie all this together in one image but it doesn't work literally.
4) Another additional problem I see in the third stanza is that it mentions that the dolls' heads "tumble" as if reaved by a scythe; yet, the fourth stanza then wants to speak about the eyes of the dolls. But if the heads have tumbled off in the third stanza then the eyes would have needed to tumble off with the heads.
Fortunately, all this is easily fixable just by removing the unnecessary third stanza, making the poem tighter and snappier while removing all your biggest problem areas. As a final touch, I would then think about switching the last stanza to make it the second stanza. To wit:
Paper Dolls - After Suggested Changes
Paper dolls
Cut to please
In perfect rows
Sharply creased
Paper dolls stare
Eyes that never blink
Paper dolls do not care
Paper dolls do not think
Bleached doll parts
Creep into slow decay
Paper creasing into scars
Sheets of ivory fray