Aja Monet at the Women's March (Rev.4)

[Knot]

Hey RC,
this is a big improvement, so much more coherent
and it flows smoothly. The added detail to the final
verse works very well.

The poet pauses at the crossroads
where her art and family meet.
Her mother stands in the ruins
holding a bouquet of bloody music.
Two small points.
The proximity of two 'hers' (L2/L3)
- would reordering lines 3-4 work?
Could the mother be doing something
more interesting that simply standing?

She reads in a midnight voice,
raising ancient souls from dust.
Similarly, 'in the ruins' then
'in a midnight voice'.
Again reorder;
'In a midnight voice she reads,
raises...' - maybe?
Would also suggest going straight to S4

Hands reaching upwards,
a white woman moves her fingers
calling the sky to hold these words.
This verse rather interrupts the flow, I think.
(Still not sure about 'white').
It would, I think, make a strong final verse
(particularly given the last line)

Slashing, sinewy phrases invoke
the first activists who fought
'activists' is still a bit clunky (for me).
Perhaps simplify to something like
Slashing, sinewy phrases invoke
those who fought
(slashing and sinew might also
evoke cane cutting)
with the strength that welled forth
might the 'strength' not simply be 'found'?
from shotgun houses next to the fields.
Could you swap 'next to the fields' for
something else (given S6)?

With unabashed delivery, she embodies
'unabashed' and 'embodies' are more tell
than show, and consequently a little flat.
defiance and recovery from the howling,
the leering, that once occupied dim minds
Do you need 'dim minds', let the reader judge?
and shrill voices on sweltering sidewalks.
Like the Jim Crow 'sidewalks' here.
('Giving whites the wall'? - thanks be to google)
Maybe a little more of this?

In plantation fields,
bloodroot and mimosa sway
to the sound of her voice.


Best, Knot.