02-17-2018, 01:36 AM
Hi RC,
Had to google/youtube this so bear that in mind.
In a midnight voice, arms extended,
Not a strong start, for me (and I didn't notice
her 'arms extended' - one hand always seemed
to be holding open the book)
she reads blues that lays the soul to dust.
not sure about 'lays' or indeed the whole phrase,
is it a version of 'turns' the soul to dust?
Hands reaching upwards,
a white woman moves her fingers
most of the audience seemed to be white women,
so how is this one significant?
calling the sky to hold these words.
excellent line.
The poet stands at the crossroads
if you're going with 'blues' then there should,
I think be more of it throughout.
where her art and family meet.
I think this strong couplet should be the opening
(though either way, two 'stands' is one too many).
Her mother stands in the ruins
holding a bouquet of bloody music.
good line.
Slashing, sinewy phrases celebrate
the first activists who fought for freedom
wonder about 'celebrate', was she not
reminding/educating (as well)?
- see your earlier versions.
with the strength that simmered
Not convinced by 'simmered' (does strength simmer?)
and the alliteration weakens the line I think.
in shotgun houses next to the picking fields.
Is 'picking fields' the right term? (Genuinely curious)
A freight train of rapid fire explosive words,
If a freight train explodes then surely it's a disaster?
Finish the train metaphor, don't switch it
to something else.
intellect the weapon, now unconcealed,
reads like a rap line, and not a good one.
she quashes the howling and leers
from blue-veined, tobacco-stained faces.
This is very misleading, I think, as there
didn't seem to be any at this event.
Bloodroot and mimosa sway
to the sound of her voice.
Same objection as before,
though if you prefixed it with
'a hundred miles away...' (or similar)
then objection withdrawn.
I like the kernel of this, but it still seems to be rather
confused/confusing. Perhaps trying to do too much
at once. Is it about Monet or about 'My Mother was...'
(or both) and does where this performance occurred
matter? (What does the 'women's march' have to do
with this piece?)
I think that the 'family history' element in the earlier
versions would provide a strong spine on which to
hang this, and sticking with the 'blues' imagery
would also help.
Best, Knot.
Had to google/youtube this so bear that in mind.
In a midnight voice, arms extended,
Not a strong start, for me (and I didn't notice
her 'arms extended' - one hand always seemed
to be holding open the book)
she reads blues that lays the soul to dust.
not sure about 'lays' or indeed the whole phrase,
is it a version of 'turns' the soul to dust?
Hands reaching upwards,
a white woman moves her fingers
most of the audience seemed to be white women,
so how is this one significant?
calling the sky to hold these words.
excellent line.
The poet stands at the crossroads
if you're going with 'blues' then there should,
I think be more of it throughout.
where her art and family meet.
I think this strong couplet should be the opening
(though either way, two 'stands' is one too many).
Her mother stands in the ruins
holding a bouquet of bloody music.
good line.
Slashing, sinewy phrases celebrate
the first activists who fought for freedom
wonder about 'celebrate', was she not
reminding/educating (as well)?
- see your earlier versions.
with the strength that simmered
Not convinced by 'simmered' (does strength simmer?)
and the alliteration weakens the line I think.
in shotgun houses next to the picking fields.
Is 'picking fields' the right term? (Genuinely curious)
A freight train of rapid fire explosive words,
If a freight train explodes then surely it's a disaster?
Finish the train metaphor, don't switch it
to something else.
intellect the weapon, now unconcealed,
reads like a rap line, and not a good one.
she quashes the howling and leers
from blue-veined, tobacco-stained faces.
This is very misleading, I think, as there
didn't seem to be any at this event.
Bloodroot and mimosa sway
to the sound of her voice.
Same objection as before,
though if you prefixed it with
'a hundred miles away...' (or similar)
then objection withdrawn.
I like the kernel of this, but it still seems to be rather
confused/confusing. Perhaps trying to do too much
at once. Is it about Monet or about 'My Mother was...'
(or both) and does where this performance occurred
matter? (What does the 'women's march' have to do
with this piece?)
I think that the 'family history' element in the earlier
versions would provide a strong spine on which to
hang this, and sticking with the 'blues' imagery
would also help.
Best, Knot.