02-14-2018, 01:52 AM
Hi tectak.
Around the Table...
Title, plus ellipsis, then the same phrase immediately repeated
in L1. Reads a bit oddly to me.
Around the table sat my father and his father, too.
Given its prominence, I'd like some sort of description of the table.
Or, failing that, a location.
There were others gathered there, strangers that I felt I knew;
I like the image, but the phrasing seems unnatural, forced to fit the meter.
Were all the others 'strangers'? And why did N 'feel' that he/she knew them?
but looking older than the yews that black and haggard grew
nice
by graves, weak limbs held up by props
(Pity you couldn't get 'aloft by props' for the sonics)
'graves' is a bit explicit I think - though I do like
how it works with 'from the ground'.
to lift and raise them from the ground.
'lift and raise' is redundant given 'props' (also, lift and raise? Same thing?)
This was my memory.
When?
Around the table sat my friends, and some whom I had lost to time.
'some whom' - are these more 'strangers'?
'lost to time' is too clichéd (in the context), why not 'some of whom, in time I'd lost'?
They talked to me and laughed with me, we told old tales, we all spilt wine;
Shouldn't this begin 'We...'? (as does the following line).
Or, if they are around the table (all hail fellow, well met) then where is N?
we looked to see our father’s eyes, for all their fathers sat with mine,
but only saw the loving smiles
upon the faces of the proud.
Hate to do it but...where else would their smiles be?
We were their memories.
Are rather than 'were'?
Around the table, husbands, wives, some with children by their side.
We were their fathers, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters…all who died;
as all must die and so become
isn't this all a bit too obvious?
a temporary loss to some,
'temporary' - really ugly phrase.
until again we meet to be
someone else’s memory.
This verse feels too repetitious (and rambling) - does it really add anything
to the first two? I think it the second verse offers a stronger finish.
Best, Knot.
Around the Table...
Title, plus ellipsis, then the same phrase immediately repeated
in L1. Reads a bit oddly to me.
Around the table sat my father and his father, too.
Given its prominence, I'd like some sort of description of the table.
Or, failing that, a location.
There were others gathered there, strangers that I felt I knew;
I like the image, but the phrasing seems unnatural, forced to fit the meter.
Were all the others 'strangers'? And why did N 'feel' that he/she knew them?
but looking older than the yews that black and haggard grew
nice
by graves, weak limbs held up by props
(Pity you couldn't get 'aloft by props' for the sonics)
'graves' is a bit explicit I think - though I do like
how it works with 'from the ground'.
to lift and raise them from the ground.
'lift and raise' is redundant given 'props' (also, lift and raise? Same thing?)
This was my memory.
When?
Around the table sat my friends, and some whom I had lost to time.
'some whom' - are these more 'strangers'?
'lost to time' is too clichéd (in the context), why not 'some of whom, in time I'd lost'?
They talked to me and laughed with me, we told old tales, we all spilt wine;
Shouldn't this begin 'We...'? (as does the following line).
Or, if they are around the table (all hail fellow, well met) then where is N?
we looked to see our father’s eyes, for all their fathers sat with mine,
but only saw the loving smiles
upon the faces of the proud.
Hate to do it but...where else would their smiles be?
We were their memories.
Are rather than 'were'?
Around the table, husbands, wives, some with children by their side.
We were their fathers, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters…all who died;
as all must die and so become
isn't this all a bit too obvious?
a temporary loss to some,
'temporary' - really ugly phrase.
until again we meet to be
someone else’s memory.
This verse feels too repetitious (and rambling) - does it really add anything
to the first two? I think it the second verse offers a stronger finish.
Best, Knot.