02-13-2018, 06:48 PM
Together
He saw oversized scrubs, a body trying its very hardest - I think the end of this line should be by itself and expanded
to fill every last stitch and pocket, endearingly,
honestly fit, she fashioned it and flowed freely, - The use of 'it' and 'and' a sharp words in a soft stanza, it sort of cuts the sentence
through halls of his mind, two workers, perfect unison in hand and mind
chained to a soul duty, a personal creed backgrounded by a full set
of stars and stripes, uniform, with ammunition toted in a 50-pound camo backpack.
It made her back arch, ache, and upon a 95-pound frame, still bore the mass
of he and his whole world. - It's a very good introduction but I would recommend changing the sharp words
It was confirmed then and there. Schooling was a selfish venture
He knew his motivations incomplete, time ticked away irreverently to the real truth. - I like how you're adding emphasis to the words 'motivation, time and truth', but I feel it would work better if they had their own lines
Right then and there, amidst her maze of messes,
he re-evaluated, over-analyzed his whole, picked at every fiber
getting lost and confused amidst her tachy heart rates.
If he could study the art of her mind it would lead him to
wander endlessly, analyze and adore it all
symphonies of JoJo would reverberate, rattle bones, shiver spines
He silently screamed, have patience!
Her life, it’s soul independence was worth all and any treasure. - This sentence is really working, it seems like you're talking about two different things
Soft, molded living gold right before his eyes,
there is so safety deposit box worthy,
no sense hoarding it, hiding this pure beauty from the world.
He did not curate, no museum tour guide classes
no ownership, nor want to make transparent glass boxes
to keep belongings in. No wall, story, or post was part of the plan;
his want for her to see the indescribable infinite beauty he saw.
What mirror could fit a pedestal so high? - Nice!!!!
Even if the subject only stood near five feet tall - Brilliant stanza
Apart
He could have had her in three steps.
He made a choice that took him three steps further away
from becoming the man he wanted so desperately to be. - This sentence structure is really good as you express one idea per line and emphasise it. I would suggest having this same structure in the together section because you had too many ideas on one line
Step one,
that man used his heart more than his brain.
He was smart enough to know how stupid smart people can be.
He let go of his metal and electric brain, sacrificed his philosophy
for hers, because there is no truth in Nietzsche, only truth in her. - I wouldn't start the sentence with 'for hers', start with 'because'
Step two,
that man embraced worship. Made it his priority
to sit with her every weekend and feel the connection together.
He said “I want to go.”
Not “I’ll go with her.” - wow - sappy. But since thats what you're going for it is quite powerful
Step three,
that man saw all the goodness within her
proclaimed it true every day,
told the world she was beautiful in every way.
Not just because of what she could become,
because of who she already was.
The man that looked at her
saw everything he ever wanted
Because all he ever wanted was what he saw.
The choice he made instead.
His most important choice.
One he will hold with him as his only regret.
He chose not to try when it mattered most,
when she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
He chose not to seize the opportunity to become
The man he so desperately wanted to be.
- I feel like you should add a stanza around here where he truly declares his love in a spiritually and physical way
He would have become that man.
If only he would have danced with her at that wedding.
If only he would have held her in that pink dress.
If only he would have told her “I miss you too” instead of telling himself “I’ll see her on Tuesday.”
Monday was when he lost her forever. - Damn that was sad. If you wanted to depress people at the end then you succeeded :_(
Sorry if I didn't add much about what I liked about it. This a really good poem and has the potential to become a really powerful piece. When you have enough confidence and have worked the poem out a bit more, I would recommend you post this on the Intensive poetry forum because I think you have the ability to make this an incredible piece. Really well done
He saw oversized scrubs, a body trying its very hardest - I think the end of this line should be by itself and expanded
to fill every last stitch and pocket, endearingly,
honestly fit, she fashioned it and flowed freely, - The use of 'it' and 'and' a sharp words in a soft stanza, it sort of cuts the sentence
through halls of his mind, two workers, perfect unison in hand and mind
chained to a soul duty, a personal creed backgrounded by a full set
of stars and stripes, uniform, with ammunition toted in a 50-pound camo backpack.
It made her back arch, ache, and upon a 95-pound frame, still bore the mass
of he and his whole world. - It's a very good introduction but I would recommend changing the sharp words
It was confirmed then and there. Schooling was a selfish venture
He knew his motivations incomplete, time ticked away irreverently to the real truth. - I like how you're adding emphasis to the words 'motivation, time and truth', but I feel it would work better if they had their own lines
Right then and there, amidst her maze of messes,
he re-evaluated, over-analyzed his whole, picked at every fiber
getting lost and confused amidst her tachy heart rates.
If he could study the art of her mind it would lead him to
wander endlessly, analyze and adore it all
symphonies of JoJo would reverberate, rattle bones, shiver spines
He silently screamed, have patience!
Her life, it’s soul independence was worth all and any treasure. - This sentence is really working, it seems like you're talking about two different things
Soft, molded living gold right before his eyes,
there is so safety deposit box worthy,
no sense hoarding it, hiding this pure beauty from the world.
He did not curate, no museum tour guide classes
no ownership, nor want to make transparent glass boxes
to keep belongings in. No wall, story, or post was part of the plan;
his want for her to see the indescribable infinite beauty he saw.
What mirror could fit a pedestal so high? - Nice!!!!
Even if the subject only stood near five feet tall - Brilliant stanza
Apart
He could have had her in three steps.
He made a choice that took him three steps further away
from becoming the man he wanted so desperately to be. - This sentence structure is really good as you express one idea per line and emphasise it. I would suggest having this same structure in the together section because you had too many ideas on one line
Step one,
that man used his heart more than his brain.
He was smart enough to know how stupid smart people can be.
He let go of his metal and electric brain, sacrificed his philosophy
for hers, because there is no truth in Nietzsche, only truth in her. - I wouldn't start the sentence with 'for hers', start with 'because'
Step two,
that man embraced worship. Made it his priority
to sit with her every weekend and feel the connection together.
He said “I want to go.”
Not “I’ll go with her.” - wow - sappy. But since thats what you're going for it is quite powerful
Step three,
that man saw all the goodness within her
proclaimed it true every day,
told the world she was beautiful in every way.
Not just because of what she could become,
because of who she already was.
The man that looked at her
saw everything he ever wanted
Because all he ever wanted was what he saw.
The choice he made instead.
His most important choice.
One he will hold with him as his only regret.
He chose not to try when it mattered most,
when she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
He chose not to seize the opportunity to become
The man he so desperately wanted to be.
- I feel like you should add a stanza around here where he truly declares his love in a spiritually and physical way
He would have become that man.
If only he would have danced with her at that wedding.
If only he would have held her in that pink dress.
If only he would have told her “I miss you too” instead of telling himself “I’ll see her on Tuesday.”
Monday was when he lost her forever. - Damn that was sad. If you wanted to depress people at the end then you succeeded :_(
Sorry if I didn't add much about what I liked about it. This a really good poem and has the potential to become a really powerful piece. When you have enough confidence and have worked the poem out a bit more, I would recommend you post this on the Intensive poetry forum because I think you have the ability to make this an incredible piece. Really well done