02-10-2018, 09:48 PM
Silentseas,
Late to the party here, and I can’t figure out what the other critiquers are talking about. You’ve seated tragedy in ice cream, and that’s a fine notion. No one else is linking diamonds and alms? Ice cream night, I’m assuming, is a once-weekly event in a shelter? Maybe a juvenile detention? I think the issue with the work is, delete “but”.
Ice Cream Night
ice cream night:
serve me all
your cloyed alms
but your diamonds
on the tongue
don’t taste good
Late to the party here, and I can’t figure out what the other critiquers are talking about. You’ve seated tragedy in ice cream, and that’s a fine notion. No one else is linking diamonds and alms? Ice cream night, I’m assuming, is a once-weekly event in a shelter? Maybe a juvenile detention? I think the issue with the work is, delete “but”.
Ice Cream Night
ice cream night:
serve me all
your cloyed alms
but your diamonds
on the tongue
don’t taste good